Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For a change a pace tonight I'm going to watch TV while laying on the couch as opposed to lay on the couch while watching TV.

   Hellooooo....It's 2012.....Where's my flying car already?....Helloooooo.....

   I don't trust this 'would you like cash back' bullsh!t. I'm trying to give you my money, but you're also trying to give me my money? Weird.

   am I the only one after hitting my head when getting up, even though I know what I hit it on, I have to stare at it with a dirty look?

   I've been a fan of Ron Paul since his voiceover work for Smucker's in the early '80s.

   I think someone needs to remind the drug sniffing dogs, the "man's best friend" thing !

   I have Super-glue and a non-stick pan.....lets see who wins.

   Thank you Facebook for giving us a home. Sincerely, ! and :)

   Happy Earth Day...don't mind my tire fire......just can't seem to put it out.

   Never break four things in life. Trust. Promise. Relation. And Heart. Because when they break they don't make a noise, but hurts a lot.

   I am generally caught off guard when people have their cell phone ringer turned on..

   I want to ask some people, "How do you take dumps when s$it comes out of your mouth 24/7?

   I tried to stop a jukebox like the Fonz. In a related note I'm the proud owner of 15 new stitches, just in case you were wondering how cool I was.

   I love it when I get things delivered that I ordered when drunk. Its like a gift from drunk me to sober me .

   NOTICE: "Flirt Detection" FB Timeline Monitor has detected your significant other commenting a restricted user's picture. Do you wish to end the relationship? [Yes/No]. [Yes] Relationship ended. User has been submitted to FB Cheaters archives.

   The woman on Time Magazine's cover with her three year old, is there an App for that?

   I just need you here in bed with me so we can talk, and laugh, and cuddle, and sleep, and stuff…

   A Prius tried to race me from a stop sign the other day. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast.

   Yesterday I asked my girlfriend what she'd like for her birthday... She's still talking.

   It's been years since I've had to use "the Schwartz"