Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On this day, 25 years ago, Geraldo Rivera opened Al Capone's vault. WTF is he still working?

   going to make sure he is wearing clean underwear for the rapture.

   Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

   Anybody got a recepie for cicadas?

   I was going to say whats on my mind but @Kanye West showed up and took away the keyboard! What a jackass...

   Something couples do together that causes breakups is called Home Improvement

   It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put that booger that counts

   I have the nose hair of a much older, more powerful man.

   I personally do not like to drive in the rain but the kid in me LOVES(♥'s) to drive over the rain puddles =]

   Girl, not even the Kool-Aid man could bust through your emotional walls.

   Used to comment and joke when the didgets were in their hundreds now your a pretty tough crowd

   You can take a hint or you can take a hike... But you are not taking my heart.

   has enough wiper wash for 78 butterflies, after that I'm screwed!

   Lions, Tigers, And Bears Ohhh My... God! They shot em' all!

   Guess I better watch the end of this little baseball game so I can say tomorrow ' yeah I saw that,didn't think (___insert winner here___) would pull it off ! The lengths I go just to fit in. ;-)

   Satan came to me today and asked if he frieghtened me, I said no- not in the least bit, I said I used to be married to your sister...

   I am not addicted to weed, I only smoke it 2 times a year on my birthday and when its not my birthday.

   We live in a world where dates like 11/11/11 make people happy :|

   If this really was a popularity contest I think you'd have to agree we all lose.

   Alcohol is not the answer. IT JUST MAKES YOU forget the question.