Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting sex from my gf is easy....I just have to buy her stuff..!!!

   It's the beginning of the drinken! (thirsty Thursday, effed up Friday, sh!tfaced Saturday, sure why not it's Sunday,) maybe Monday, try not Tuesday and WTF I already drank all week Wednesday. Repeat.

   I heard sex at age 90.....is like trying to shoot pool with a rope

   Its amazing how the people with no real job always have weed on them everytime

   Fellas: If your woman starts updating her Facebook status right in the middle of having sex with you, it might be a clue that you are not doing her right.

   The Bipolar smiley face :): (dr brown )....

   I killed Bigfoot! I also have a few aliens in my basement! You gotta trust me because I said so! Oh by the way I have pictures but you can't look at them!

   Hey dude, I am way to high for you to be creeper staring at me right now. None-the-less trying to physically touch me... back off, eat a nacho, and just watch the movie. Sincerely, Female stoners

   Like a Wierd Neighbor, State farm is there

   I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush

   tellin people you're deleting your facebook, then disabling it, then bring it back is pointless

   My gf and I were eating Chinese take-out and my dog starts begging at the table for a treat. I said "You don't want this, Boy. This is Chinese food. Come to think of it, so are you."

   Give me a gun and I can rob a bank. Give me a bank and I can rob the world

   How come Yoko Ono didn't marry someone from Nickleback instead?

   Some bruises are worth it.

   Stevie Wonder just filed for divorce. He wanted to not see other people.

   I hate when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want. They don't know my life. They don't know what I've been through!

   i'm giving up dryer sheets for lint

   Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long for fat people

   Anyone remember the good old days before Facebook, Instagram and Twitter? When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film developed, then go around to all your friends' houses to show them the picture of your dinner? No? Me neither.