Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.

   i only have 1 question for Bruce Jenner. after he becomes woman, will he change his name to "Jenny Brucer" ?

   Lady GaGa is performing with Metallica at the Grammys. Sounds like its gonna be an hour of Trump bashing and a couple crappy songs I downloaded on napster 15 years ago.

   How do you change the channel on your microwave? There’s a bunch of smoke poring out of this one. Guess it’s stuck on CNN.

   I know the Royal family said they would deal with the allegations of racism, but personally, I think this is a bit drastic.

   I envision a country without violence, without guns or bombs, where everybody lives in peace. And then we could invade that country and take it for ourselves.

   Statistically in 2010, 43,869,800 people changed their relationship status to single yet I am still sitting home alone on Saturday night??

   Oh please tell me you are NOT crying because I took the wrapper off your juice box straw!

   God please bring 2012 soon I cant take it any more...

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

   I'm not perfect but parts of me are excellant!

   man walks into a room where he see's his wife watching a cookery programme. "Why you watching that", he says "you can't cook !". His wife replies "Why do you watch porn ?"

   supports the elderly by watching the Superbowl Halftime show.

   I think Toyota should take Energizer's slogan, “It keeps going, and going, and going”.

   getting ready to rock your world, so bring a change of underwear. Why? When it happens, you'll know.

   Do Chinese people get English sayings tattooed on their bodies?

   Venus Williams has brought something different to the women's game – male genitalia.

   goes from married to single in 5.5 shots of Tequila.

   Mean people suck. Nice people swallow. Great people do BOTH. ;)

   73% of men don't know what a cookie is. But 99% know how to delete them.