Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later I got a text saying "I just dropped the b*tch off I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I asked him about it he said "I don't know what you're talking about Megan". My name isn't Megan.

   The reason Hillary supporters didn't watch the first Trump TV interview, is that they're so slow, it'd take them two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

   Hahahah someone stole Obama's talking truck today in Va . Lets see that great speaker puts two sentences together now .

   fat girls need more lovin. And more bacon...and more fries...and a large diet coke...

   I smoked a lot of weed tonite. I'm higher than the crime rates in a black neighborhood.

   Preview of Obama's job speech: I may need one in two years.

   We're F*cked. The president in 2050 is going to have Tribal sleeves and use the word "bro" in all his presidential speeches.

   There's 8 letters in I LOVE YOU but there's also 8 letters in BULLSH!T!

   A good friend would bail you out of jail, but your best friend would be the one sitting next to you saying, "damn that was awesome".

   Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...

   Does Chris Dorner celebrate Ash Wednesday?

   fat is the new skinny

   atheists lash out in fear... there is no other rational reason for their aggressive behavior

   who can name the 6 great kings who ave brought immense happiness in two people's lifes ?? Drin-King, Fuc-King, Lic-King, Suc-King, Span-King and Wan-king

   A deal has been struck to allow evolution to continue to be taught in public schools, as long as Dinosaurs are refered to as Jesus Horse's.

   So only 9 people in supreme courts sit around and decide what's legal and what's not for the rest of over 500 million Americans? Yes I see how your democracy is very fair.

   Fruit flies. Is there anything nowadays that isn't gay?

   Why is it always the ugly and fat women that are nymphos? For once I would like to meet a beautiful nympho.

   Hearing that Jesus loves you and you should let him inside you is very nice... Unless you’re in a Mexican prison.

   If Tiger Woods and Jesse James are back to dating already, then I don't see any reason why Michael Vick can't get another puppy.