Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kung Fu Panda teaches kids that fat people can do anything they set their mind to, as long as they are a panda.

   Would like to take all of the warning labels off everything toxic and weed out the stupid people

   If love had a smell, it would smell like pizza & puppy breath.

   my husband says I have multiple personalities... well 4 can play that game...

   If I had a Burrito Supreme for every time this stupid toilet got plugged up… I probably wouldn't have a plugged up toilet ツ

   Love and appreciate the effort, but we have to try harder,,, we are funnier than this.

   Facebook: where all your stupid questions can be answered by stupider people.

   if you go through life with your head in the sand all people will see is an ass!

   The new pope mobile is gonna have a set of spinners now

   I live for two reasons… 1. I was born. 2. I haven’t died yet.

   Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.

   Hey,, I put on my pants same as everyone else......... reluctantly

   Marriage and childhood are very similar. You rush to do the chores you were suppose to do 20 minutes before a certain somebody comes home.

   Joke's on you skinny people, my iPad fits just fine in my back pocket.

   Justin Bieber is the crocs of the music industry. People claim they hate it but the company is doing really well so some of you must be lying!

   Being a man is great until you hear a noise late at night and realize you are the one that has to go investigate...

   I'm not saying I'm a celebrity or something, but I was asked to autograph receipts at 3 separate bars tonight.

   The day Rick Ross decides to crowd-surf, is the day he'll find out who his true fans are

   The main thing I've discovered about facebook is...there are lots of b0ring people out there.

   Say "cheese!" cuz I want you to look like a complete idiot in this picture.