Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I decided to become a vegetarian once but gave it up when I realized pork isn't a vegetable...

   your reputation in high school doesn't matter once you graduate anyways so why spend 4 years trying to impress people you'll never see again

   I am the most dangerous/damaged when I'm quiet. When I'm yelling or b*tching there is still hope.

   That's cool that your boyfriend is a male model but no I can't lend you money for food or rent.

   Stop saying you have lake front property, that's a freakin' ponding basin.

   Coffee allows me to make bad decisions faster.

   Canada send us Justin beiber, we send Dennis Rodman to Korea, Korea send Gungnam Psy to The world.....just funny how the world works

   My girlfriend wanted a Cinderella-themed birthday party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my place!

   I had too much to drink so I did the right thing and walked home from the bar instead of driving. Then I got busted for public intoxication. FML.

   I can't believe they made us watch that to get to the halftime show

   The excitement of getting to the office first and wondering how many things I can rub my balls on before someone else gets here. That.

   After appearing in a commercial during the Super Bowl, people are accusing Bob Dylan of selling out. Today Dylan responded by saying, "Everyone needs to calm down, have a Bud Light, and relax at a Sandals Resort."

   I'm not funny, but I'm so stupid

   If you're ever asked: do you think my baby is cute, at least it's healthy is not the answer. . .

   If two Chocolate bars are stuck together it counts as one - so shut up please!

   At some point, a guy looked at a berry that was clearly purple and called it a blueberry. AND WE ARE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN!!!!

   Just ate a half slice of cold pizza abandoned by my kid and wondered for the first time if I really AM Living My Best Life

   the wife just woke me up and told me to quit snoring, I said I never snore I just dream I'm a motorcycle. ..

   I just had a bite of Wookie candy... It tasted pretty good but it was kinda Chewy. I soooo stole that joke from 1983.

   You can't buy a woman's love, but you can buy a human heart... Seriously, go look on Craigslist.