Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just imagine...with one touch of a button, your 5 year old could upload all your phone's photos to iCloud.

   I bet it was like a bad nightmare when Lamar Odom woke up, not that he was in a hospital but that hes back in the Kardashian family.....

   The streets will run red with the blood of my enemies is probably something I shouldn't have said out loud at the neighborhood watch meeting

   "Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?"... Here's 10 reasons why I should get the job... "OK"... Number 7 will shock you..."You're hired"

   I guess the white guy forgot he wasn’t home and behind his keyboard when he called that black judge the N word.

   I decided to become a vegetarian once but gave it up when I realized pork isn't a vegetable...

   your reputation in high school doesn't matter once you graduate anyways so why spend 4 years trying to impress people you'll never see again

   I am the most dangerous/damaged when I'm quiet. When I'm yelling or b*tching there is still hope.

   That's cool that your boyfriend is a male model but no I can't lend you money for food or rent.

   Stop saying you have lake front property, that's a freakin' ponding basin.

   Coffee allows me to make bad decisions faster.

   Canada send us Justin beiber, we send Dennis Rodman to Korea, Korea send Gungnam Psy to The world.....just funny how the world works

   My girlfriend wanted a Cinderella-themed birthday party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my place!

   I had too much to drink so I did the right thing and walked home from the bar instead of driving. Then I got busted for public intoxication. FML.

   I can't believe they made us watch that to get to the halftime show

   The excitement of getting to the office first and wondering how many things I can rub my balls on before someone else gets here. That.

   After appearing in a commercial during the Super Bowl, people are accusing Bob Dylan of selling out. Today Dylan responded by saying, "Everyone needs to calm down, have a Bud Light, and relax at a Sandals Resort."

   I'm not funny, but I'm so stupid

   If you're ever asked: do you think my baby is cute, at least it's healthy is not the answer. . .

   If two Chocolate bars are stuck together it counts as one - so shut up please!