Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had a choice between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea, I wouldn't want a garbanzo bean on my face.

   Where do I go to get my free crack pipe. . . Asking for a friend.

   The sequel to the book Fear willbe TEARS he's still president.

   Android > BlackBerry > Nokia > Fax > Landline phone > 2 cans and a string > Message in a bottle > Pigeon with a note taped to it > iPhone with iOS 11

   After a night of passion, I told my new girlfriend that she was the frist one I've ever been with. She smiled and said really? I said yea, the other's were sevens and eights. :)

   I would listen to everything Dana Loesch says because she's friggin' hot!

   I got flipped off three times by the same woman today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

   I once shot a man in Reno with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.

   I kept dreaming about mufflers all night long mufflers, mufflers, and more mufflers. I woke up exhausted.

   They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

   My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

   My middle school teacher who yelled that “Wikipedia wasn’t a reliable source” every day is sharing vaccine conspiracy theories on Facebook.

   A couple of million dollar ideas: 1) Boxers with pockets 2) A service that lets you throw a live shark from a speeding van

   I'm at that age where if I hear a strange noise downstairs I'm too lazy to go investigate it and just think "Well I had a good run".

   Just got a call from some Woman in Idaho. She wanted to know if I wanted to take a chance on an Indian Blanket? What does that mean?? I hung up. Last time I took a chance on any kind of blanket, I ended up with three kids and a mortgage.

   Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

   If you add coconut oil to sauté'd kale it will make it easier to scrape it into the trash so you can fry bacon.

   No one hits me with an egg and gets away with it!

   I need a meeting with Zuckerberg cause I don't get enough "likes"

   New strategy for college students: Incur as much debt as you can and hope some billionaire pays it off.