Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm at that age where food makes me fat.
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
←Rate | 11-04-2019 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy. This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me!
←Rate | 12-15-2018 08:46 by vaterpop Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gorilla Glue works best if you want your fingers stuck to whatever’s broken but you don’t actually want to fix it.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from "Stranger Things" now.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 15:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cool Fact:Fred Flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
←Rate | 12-20-2019 11:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 04:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...
←Rate | 10-29-2019 09:00 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 11:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time
←Rate | 11-18-2019 08:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know that song "Happy" by Pharrell? That's how annoying I am.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 08:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Did you know the Boeing 767 is made up of 3.1 million parts from 800 different manufacturers, each of whom was the lowest bidder? Anyways, have safe flight when you head home for Thanksgiving!
←Rate | 11-22-2019 10:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't advertise "All You Can Eat" then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
←Rate | 01-12-2020 12:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
←Rate | 01-14-2020 06:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Keys just don't make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you were surprised by jeffrey Epstein's suicide, just imagine how surprised he was!
←Rate | 08-10-2019 21:56 Comments (0)  

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