Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.
←Rate | 04-20-2018 01:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm tired of making me happy. Someone else needs to take a turn.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 02:17 Comments (1)  

   messageicon If there is a Little Debbie then that means somewhere out there is Large Deborah and don't dare touch her cakes
←Rate | 04-19-2018 07:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t remember the last time I knew what I was doing.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 06:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Please don’t ask me for advice about life because I will accidentally screw up yours too.
←Rate | 04-17-2018 12:59 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Marriage is just your spouse always standing in front of the drawer or cabinet you want to open.
←Rate | 04-18-2018 15:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yesterday I went to an antique shop and asked "What's new?". I don't know why that guy gave me a murderous look
←Rate | 04-19-2018 07:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
←Rate | 04-19-2018 07:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just want to suffocate, sorry I mean love you.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 02:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
←Rate | 04-20-2018 02:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kid, “Did you feel that? Was that an earthquake?” Husband, “No it was just your mother coming down the stairs.” And that, folks, is how to end a marriage in 10 words or less.
←Rate | 04-20-2018 02:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't take it personal. I gave up on people in general years ago.
←Rate | 04-20-2018 02:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I baked you some cookies They’re in the garbage
←Rate | 04-19-2018 02:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Forgetting to switch off your alarm on a day when you’re not meant to go Work is an invention of lucifer himself
←Rate | 04-19-2018 07:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry I freaked you out by paying attention. I keep forgetting that people don't do that anymore.
←Rate | 04-20-2018 02:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fun Fact: The Simpsons are 31 years old. They made their first debut 4/19/87 on the Tracey Ullman show.
←Rate | 04-20-2018 00:36 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
←Rate | 03-26-2018 14:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.
←Rate | 04-08-2018 13:55 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have a sneaking suspicion that Elton John couldn’t have cared less about how tight Susie wore her dresses.
←Rate | 03-22-2018 16:28 by @Madlogic Comments (4)  

   messageicon Anyone know how Pink's parents are named? I am assuming Red and White.
←Rate | 03-06-2018 12:12 Comments (0)  

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