Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it was invented anywhere else, it woulda been called a "teethbrush."

   I had my mom get me some condoms once. I told her I used them to keep my cigarettes dry at the beach. She went to the pharmacist and asked for some. Wise guy asked, "What size?" She said, You know, for a camel!"

   When I'm watching a 3D movie I take the glasses off for a second to see the difference.

   My neighbor was banging on my door at 3 a.m.! Can you believe that? 3 a.m.! Luckily, I was still up playing my drums....

   Shut up about the red cup and drink your fkn coffee. #StarbucksRedCup

   I hate when people say like, "I gotta get my body right for this summer like exercises and tan." ok fine...like, wtf are you going to do about your damn face???

   This morning I surveyed 100 men and asked them what shampoo they used when showering...... 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"

   Its so funny how the worst drivers on the road these days are the ones with an "Obama" sticker on their bumper.

   What does a fat musIim say? ALLAH SNACKBAR!

   It took a Jimmy Carter to give us a Ronald Reagan!

   Puberty is gonna hit Justin Bieber harder, than Chris Brown hit Rhianna!!

   now available with a bonus DVD; containing deleted scenes and 2 theatrical trailers

   saw a car today that had a sticker that said "Americans never forget". Then I remembered that Hiliary Clinton is Secretary of State so obviously we do...

   Fresh out the shower √ Ice cold beer √ BBQ grill ready √ Sunday NFL Football √ √ √....---> IT'SGO TIME<---

   "Knock Knock! .... "Who's there" . . . .Not the Malaysian airplane pilot

   There is a photo of Obama circulating around FB showing how much he's grayed over the past 4 years since becoming president.. It's hard to believe that one man could age so much worrying about his next round of golf.

   So Donald Trump is looking to run for president in 2012. I'd vote for him just to watch him tell Obama he's fired ;>)

   American presidents: ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☻

   Dear Michelle Obama. The White House is NOT like a prison. American citizens can visit prisons.

   Thumbs-Up for PS4 and Thumbs-down for XBOX ONE.