Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   gonna go out and make a difference in the life of America's youth tonight!!! There is a lot of teachable amounts in the champagn room

   I Just Drove Like Six Miles With My Left Turn Signal On...Yep I'm Officially Old!  ☹

   99 years ago today, the heroic captain guided his brand new ship, the Titanic, head long into an iceberg to help and try and save at least a few hundred future great grand kids of all the passengers from having to listen to Justin Beiber 98 years later...

   Good Morning! I've survived to live yet another day in this beautiful world.. Dont take candy from strangers and remember ,Never trust a person with dry hands coming out of a bathroom !

   You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on

   I like to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I'll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up.. Baffle 'em with BS!! ;-)

   Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. Cause and effect moron.

   it just me or are Jerry Sandusky's excuses starting to sound just like Michael Jackson's excuses ?

   Breaking News:FBI just apprehend notorious fugitive The Joker and his accomplices the Smoker and the Midnight Toker in a one-day crime spree spanning three states....

   Tried explaining twitter to Sharon but her "Why would you want to do that?" argument was pretty bulletproof.

   2011: I'm sexy and I know it. 1836: I am physically desirable and I am aware of this statement.

   Whenever someone tells me & a friend to "get a room," we DO get a room, make tender love & send Mr. or Mrs. Jerkface a thank you note.

   I picked up a hitchhiker today... Dragged him for 2 miles before the f*cker finally fell off my car.

   What to do when you're wrong: a) admit you're wrong, b) make adjustments, c) move along.

   My biggest fear is that FB will rat on on me and post "So&So is listening to Hall and Oats on IHeart Radio".

   I must admit, I am a powerful man. I've got more pull than John Travolta at a massage parlor...

   Wow, that one was so bad, all four cats left the room.

   Going to McDonalds for oatmeal is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

   Shoot for the moon.Even if you miss,you'll land among the stars...Or you will be sucked into a black-hole and never heard from again.

   jacob to bella, 'what does he have that I dont have', bella says 'shiny disco balls'