Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An app that displays the word "Yo" on a freinds lock screen... and that's all it does has raised over $1 million. In related news, I no longer want to live on this planet anymore.

   I'll be right with you, I'm busy being inappropriate on the internet.

   fall in love with someone who treats you like Kanye West treats Kanye West.

   It's not love if she takes the money off of the dresser.

   Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved

   I nominate Clint Eastwood,to the Franklin Mo. challence,to go straighten this whole mess out and restore law and order.You have 24 hours...good luck!

   *Gets a DUI playing Mario Kart

   Son, that bear is more afraid of you than you are of ... oh wow, that bear is being really brave right now.

   Beware of popping weasels.

   Since it's throwback Thursday, Ima throwback some booze!

   I've been embarrassed by my weight since, I dunno...it was first listed on my birth certificate.

   Be a lady until you're in the bedroom.. Or kitchen, living room, on the floor or against the wall. You know what, just be a lady in public.

   I'm capable of love but i'm also capable of diarrhea so it's back to square one with me

   I'm not calling it....but I don't think Sir Mix-a-lot is really a knight.

   Me: honey, would you be psycho enough to murder my ass? Wife: "wear my thongs one more time and see what happens to you!"

   My doctor says I should exercise. Uh, excercise. That's that thing where you have to move, right?

   That frisk you give yourself when you can’t feel your phone. you even pat your knees like your phone could ever be there.

   I only date women that aren't my wife.

   I drank a weight loss shake, immediately weighed myself and I gained 12 ounces...this stuff is a bunch of malarkey!

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it