Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was caught by surprise at the free concert Miley Cyrus was giving in my local town center. It took me 20 minutes to realize it was just Justin Bieber in panty hose.

   I wanna be the one to make you scream, even if it is as you're running away.

   I didnt know "Degrees Retard" was a standard unit of measure.

   Did you hear that RGIII went to the Redskin coaches and asked them not to show his bad plays during the film session because he is losing his confidence.....What a little diva, maybe they should just show Subway commercials instead...

   So the CIA had a secret compound at Gitmo named "Strawberry Fields"? "Poppy Fields" would be a more appropriate name...

   A car pulled over. The driver anxiously asked me: "What is the shortest way to South Miami hospital." I said: " Close your eyes and keep driving."

   What exactly do you need to eat to achieve "wall splatter" in a public restroom?....* People amaze me.

   Ever Since the 80's , my little head has been affected with the "Seka Virus"

   This scale will only tell you the numerical value of your gravitational pull. It will not tell you how beautiful you are, how much your friends & family love you, or how amazing you are.

   Marijuana: It's not just for Hippies anymore!

   I decided to nickname my bathroom the Jim instead of the John. That way I can tell everyone that the first thing I do when I wake up every morning is go to the Jim.

   I imagine that fish that are caught and released are the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.

   If Zombies eat brains, I know a lot of people who have nothing to worry about. . .

   FACT: They'll never give me control of the church bells and even if they do I’ll abuse it and lose the privilege so fast.

   Texted my wife "Nooooooo!" but it autocorrected to "Mooooooo!" and now I can never come home

   I suffer from a rare condition known as Aibohphobia, which is an unreasonable fear of palindromes.

   No GPS,,, I will not take the road less traveled. I live in Maine,, Have you seen Deliverance?

   If you work really hard and never give up, some perverted unrecognizable version of your dreams will come true.

   American Idol is now officially done. The men's leather cuff bracelet industry will collapse.

   Ex-Alaska Governor Sarah Palin says "Bill Nye is as much a scientist as I am." I didn't know this flakey woman was even a scientist until now.