Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead. The pain is only felt by others. The same thing happens when you’re stupid

   After spending weeks in the house with my family during the quarantine, I now see Jack Nicholson's side of things in the Shining.

   20 years ago no one knew what gluten was. Now there are like three people left in the world who can eat a bagel

   I dream of a world where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.

   Did you realize that "Go hang a salami. I'm a lasagna hog" is a palindrome?

   A snail is just a booger wearing a crash helmet

   it too late to claim that I invented the wheel. . .

   Bernie said from the start of his campaign he would endorse Hillary if she won the primary, his supporters flip out and disown him when he shows integrity and keeps his promise.

   Black Beatles Lives Matter. Black Eyed Peas Matter. Black Leather Jackets Matter. Now Black Off And Leave Me The F#ck Alone. . .

   Prisoner 1: What are you in for?.... PEE WEE HERMAN: Sperm bank heist.... Prisoner1: How'd you get caught?.. PEE WEE: I DON'T KNOW, IT'S LIKE THEY SAW ME COMING!

   [high school] Teacher: do you have your homework? Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

   If you ever see a woman with her arm stuck in a Pringles can in Walmart, I'd appreciate it if you don't make eye contact with me, thanks.

   Oh, you’re a ceiling fan?... Name three ceilings then... Yeah,,, I didn't think so

   If Trump wins, I'm going to open a florist shop near the Mexican border. And yes, I will call the shop "Wallflowers."

   .... I have been self identifying as a woman ever since the men's room at the theater was full.

   Hooters has a shuttle service that will take you to sporting events. It’s called Boober.

   Look who's here! Psst.....hide the liquor.

   My "stare at you but don't speak" game is too strong

   If it's wrong to catapult rotting, infected cow corpses into the neighboring village, why does it feel so right?

   My wife said she wanted a clean, fresh start in the new year. Merry Christmas babe, here's your Hoover.