Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to make your girl feel special: 1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice. 2) Put her name on it & give it to her.

   This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

   I once said “a penny for your thoughts” to a girl and it cost me a dollar…

   Shout out to whoever got these gas prices down in July. now lets hit da two dollar mark.

   My parents were mimes. The "sex talk" was really awkward.

   Feminism is the belief that both sexes may become equal by focusing solely on one of them.

   n't it ironic that I hate math, but I love counting money.

   If I ever get Bieber fever, just let the fever kill me.

   If I got a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd be asking people why they're giving me dimes.

   I just thought of something that really sucks. How are you?

   Date a woman with outstanding warrants. That way, she can't call the police on you. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   I really cant walk the walk or talk the talk. But if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man.

   i don't usually brag about my friday night plans but i'm at a party with seven dogs so

   Just heard on the news that fake news is up 200% on Facebook. So what else is new?

   I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.

   My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

   how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

   Praying Mantis wife: Are you cheating on me? Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave you that idea?

   Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

   If $1200 was crumbs. What is $600 a bite