Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My parents were mimes. The "sex talk" was really awkward.

   Feminism is the belief that both sexes may become equal by focusing solely on one of them.

   n't it ironic that I hate math, but I love counting money.

   If I ever get Bieber fever, just let the fever kill me.

   If I got a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd be asking people why they're giving me dimes.

   I just thought of something that really sucks. How are you?

   Date a woman with outstanding warrants. That way, she can't call the police on you. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   I really cant walk the walk or talk the talk. But if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man.

   i don't usually brag about my friday night plans but i'm at a party with seven dogs so

   Just heard on the news that fake news is up 200% on Facebook. So what else is new?

   I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.

   My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

   how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

   Praying Mantis wife: Are you cheating on me? Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave you that idea?

   Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

   If $1200 was crumbs. What is $600 a bite

   Anyone know how long it takes to get hearing aids back from repair? I sent mine off two weeks ago and haven't heard anything since

   ALL MEN ARE @SSHOLES ...... Never mind ... He just texted me back .... False alarm ... my bad

   So over Christmas porn, there is only so much elf sex one can watch

   I think EVERY elevator should have it's "2" button replaced with,, "Congratulations, You lazy @$$."