Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If by squirter you mean I pee when I laugh sometimes, then yeah I'm a squirter.

   I hate all those girls who think acting stupid is cute. Grow up.

   Laying on my TV watching the couch. I needed to switch things up a bit.

   thinks it's funny that in about 40 years from now, there is going to be a lot of seniors walking around with tattoos.

   Heard a dude in the stall next to me in the Walmart Bathroom say "There can be only One".. He is either a Highlander or he needs some more toilet paper.......

   going to triple dog dare someone to lick a flagpole this winter.

   What I would do for two Saturdays...

   We childproofed our homes but they are still getting in.

   likes to discuss his newest disgusting rash in crowded elevators

   money was tight this year, so he bought the kids batteries that said "games not included."

   heard there might be a Goonies 2 coming out so he is going to eat 15lbs of deep fried chicken, 82 big macs, 104 bags of cheetos and drink 38ltrs of pop in the course of 1 week just so he can get the 'Chunk' role and bust out the 'Truffle Shuffle'

   ..after watching the Brit Awards,thinks that Cheryl has got to try,try,try,try,try to lip sync a bit better..

   Cheryl Cole changed her relationship status to "single". 45 million people liked this.

   remember to drink your beer. It's full of vitamin P.

   I need a Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those?

   ahh young love.Full of promise,full of hope.Ignorant of reality.Not all guys can turn into vampires n watch you sleep at night..am jus sayin.

   still has a crush on Winnie Cooper.

   She turned me into a newt! But I got better.

   wonders why everyone on that baseball team is wearing a Jay-Z cap?

   thinks that you're depriving a village somewhere of an idiot