Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A real woman will not accept expensive gifts from a man she is not prepared to accept into her life.

   Most of the Pillsbury Dough Boys family showed up for his Funeral. His wife Jane, son Jon, Daughters Play and Docie Dough were all there. His son Dill was missing though. He later told everyone he found himself trembling in a deep dark hole of emotions.

   Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.

   Why don't blind men go skydiving? Because it scares the crap out of the dog.

   i wonder what the first person who milked a cows original intentions were.

   Royal Wedding.. Hmmm..... Wonder whether they will have this Fuss bout big wedding when Justin Beiber decides to get married with the guy of his choice???

   If you are tanner than your girlfriend, you are wrong.

   I like big PUTTS & I can not lie,,, You other golfers can't deny,,, When a ball rolls in with a slow topspin & the caddy moves the pin, you get PAR

   I went to the bookstore and ask the sales woman "Where is the self help section" she said if she told me it would defet the purpose

   Did Bernie Sanders wander off from the nursing home again?

   Things to do: 1) Dig a hole 2) Name it love 3) Watch people fall in love.

   Canadian 25, quit making all these deep quotes. We like hockey, ice fishing, and naked chicks in touqes doiing stuff.

   Yesterday was the birthday of both Elvis Presley & David Bowie, neither of whom have gained any weight since 1977.

   After Pat Sajak confessed to being drunk during Wheel of Fortune, Bob Barker admitted he neutered animals during Price Is Right commercials.

   Woke up naked again. Must have been a good night!

   Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I shall die before I wake.....please log into my computer and delete my browsing history and temporary files before my mom sees it. My password is *******. Thanks

   I just saw a headline saying, "Is Rebecca Black pregnant?" & all I could think of was that I guess she chose the back seat.

   If you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel you're in a cave you idiot!

   If you did not see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth.

   "I wasn't that drunk" Dude you threw a sock at a midget and screamed "Dobby be free!"