Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only 3 words I'm expecting to hear this Valentines Day are.... "Your perscription's ready..."

   HELP! I am a man trapped in a womans body! So does anybody know how to get out of position number 47 of the Kama-Sutra?

   Anyone else love it when they text too fast that their phone can not keep up and when you are finished it looks like it is doing it by itself?! Or is it just me?

   There aren't any good slogans for condoms because there aren't any themes... Make some Harry Potter ones... "Protect your slytherin from hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets."

   A real woman will not accept expensive gifts from a man she is not prepared to accept into her life.

   Most of the Pillsbury Dough Boys family showed up for his Funeral. His wife Jane, son Jon, Daughters Play and Docie Dough were all there. His son Dill was missing though. He later told everyone he found himself trembling in a deep dark hole of emotions.

   Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.

   Why don't blind men go skydiving? Because it scares the crap out of the dog.

   i wonder what the first person who milked a cows original intentions were.

   Royal Wedding.. Hmmm..... Wonder whether they will have this Fuss bout big wedding when Justin Beiber decides to get married with the guy of his choice???

   If you are tanner than your girlfriend, you are wrong.

   I like big PUTTS & I can not lie,,, You other golfers can't deny,,, When a ball rolls in with a slow topspin & the caddy moves the pin, you get PAR

   I went to the bookstore and ask the sales woman "Where is the self help section" she said if she told me it would defet the purpose

   Did Bernie Sanders wander off from the nursing home again?

   Things to do: 1) Dig a hole 2) Name it love 3) Watch people fall in love.

   Canadian 25, quit making all these deep quotes. We like hockey, ice fishing, and naked chicks in touqes doiing stuff.

   Yesterday was the birthday of both Elvis Presley & David Bowie, neither of whom have gained any weight since 1977.

   After Pat Sajak confessed to being drunk during Wheel of Fortune, Bob Barker admitted he neutered animals during Price Is Right commercials.

   Woke up naked again. Must have been a good night!

   Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I shall die before I wake.....please log into my computer and delete my browsing history and temporary files before my mom sees it. My password is *******. Thanks