Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING NEWS!! Whitney Houston drug free for almost 2yrs.

   I'm dreaming of a liberal Christmas, where nothing is paid for, I always sit on the couch with my hand out, waiting for the people with jobs to pay me more.

   OMG! I just had a full grown GOOSE poop on my windshield! Looks like I just got egged. Go back to Canada!

   Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors???????????????Because if it had 4 it would be called a chicken sedan...........

   going into the fitting room at Walmart and yelling very loudly there is no toilet paper in here

   planning to fill in this blank.

   my girlfriend just started smoking. Should I slow down and use a lubricant?

   Just because a guy wears a dress and dances with men doesn't mean he's gay.

   did Jesus died for Bin Laden's sins too?

   Well, the people outside are frightful. And the traffic, is far from delightful. (blocking my intersection) since they got no place to go. people blow people blow people blow...

   "serious, and don't call me Shirley "

   Quick turn on the news!!! 2 car pile up in Arizona..288 Mexicans were killed.

   amazing that anyone under 30 thinks foreign policy has to do with how well you play Call of Duty

   give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate...

   I won't rest until I find a cure for this darn insomnia! ツ

   I organized a threesome last night. There was a couple of no shows but I still had a great time!

   How am I supposed to know if this cucumber fits if I can't take it into the changing room?

   Never noticed this, but, if you rearrange the letters in 'marriage' it spells 'hahahahahahahahahahahahaha'.

   Excuse me Casey Anthony, but OJ had the best murder trial of all time!!! - Kanye West

   about to give herself a Brazlian using duct tape and candle wax. This may hurt a bit...