Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God created Whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.

   My wife just came in to tell me about something that happened at work today and I asked her to hold on for a second as I grabbed a can of listening juice...I might need two.

   3 Lions looking like 11 helpless kittens..... : /

   Getting into Heaven is easier these days then getting on an airplane.

   When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

   "I'm not saying you're a slut, but you would talk to a garbage can if it were waiving a $5 bill at you!!"

   Some people struggle with their addictions. I embrace them.

   On this day long ago, a child was born, who by age 30 would transform the world. Happy birthday Sir Isaac Newton! born December 25th 1642

   Trump is the oldest elected President the US ever had, which means we will witness his transition from paying people to pee on him, to him peeing himself.

   America paid Bill $500,000 a year to screw Monica. Guess who Hillary is gonna screw...

   Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day. Wife: IT’S 8 AM

   This rain is really starting to become a pain in my grass!

   If people looked like their personalities Kim Kardashian would be Lord Voldemort.

   Anyone knows how taco shells make it through days on a shelf of a warehouse without breaking, but as soon as it ends up on my plate with some meat in it, it falls apart into pieces? (-__-)

   I asked a Mexican bartender for a double entendre,,, So he gave me Juan.

   I want all my family and friends here in N.Carolina to show your support for all our friends up north and join me for a "BLIZZARD" at dairy queen

   I'm not sure who told bald guys they were required to have goatees, but they all fell for it.

   If I don't make some serious changes to my life, they'll never let me into the gates of heaven. So who can teach me how to pick a lock?

   The beauty of life is that Vodka looks like water.....and water bottles are allowed at work.

   "Sometimes you have to be really high, to see how small you really are, I'm going home now." - Felix Baumgartner