Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can take that thumb, and shove it up your A$$.

   You know that line that you aren't supposed to cross? I think I just snorted it.

   A good way to revoke Bill Cosby's medal of freedom would be to slip him drugs and then take it while he's unconscious...... next question

   Before I had a kid I thought,,,,, Gosh, I wish I could say "please put your shoes on" 17,000 times every morning.

   My girlfriend is so sweet, I decided to get another one.

   I've started this new bacon free diet today. So if the bacon is free, I'll eat it

   Music, Children, and Dogs: The world's three greatest anti-depressants.

   I don't know that Hamas and ceasefire should be used in the same sentence...

   Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said "strip down facing me," she was referring to my credit card.

   Dear Abby My husband underwent a psych evaluation at work It said he was a compulsive eater. Should I be worried? He's a gynecologist

   f a midget smokes weed does he get high or medium??

   As I was leaving work a coworker said “SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!” and now I'm slashing his tires.

   Got a tattoo that's says "mom". My mom got a tattoo that says "what". We're tattoo texting.

   My dog once licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree from Everest

   I'll have a PB&J ... Hold the "P" and the "&"

   Ya know what Lance Armstrong and I have in common? We both woke up this morning with the same amount of Tour de france medals!!

   Musl/ms dont use toilet paper. Starbucks vows to hire 10,000 of them. Enjoy your coffee.

   DEAR GOD, If you want Hillary to be arrested, give us a sign... Like, blot out the sun, anytime in the next five days. Thanks.

   Sometimes you can just tell it's going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.

   I'm going back home to ponder why climate change isn't real because it's cold outside.