Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alternate use for bags - Make democrats fu.ckable

   If you ever get caught sleeping on the job..... slowly raise your head and say "in Jesus name, amen".

   The secret of enjoying a good wine is to open the bottle to allow it to breathe. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

   We blame society, but we are society..

   Governments that try to control the Internet are SOPAthetic.

   I had no idea Joan Rivers could sing!"

   A woman is a fantastic substitute for masturbation.

   You can take that thumb, and shove it up your A$$.

   You know that line that you aren't supposed to cross? I think I just snorted it.

   A good way to revoke Bill Cosby's medal of freedom would be to slip him drugs and then take it while he's unconscious...... next question

   Before I had a kid I thought,,,,, Gosh, I wish I could say "please put your shoes on" 17,000 times every morning.

   My girlfriend is so sweet, I decided to get another one.

   I've started this new bacon free diet today. So if the bacon is free, I'll eat it

   Music, Children, and Dogs: The world's three greatest anti-depressants.

   I don't know that Hamas and ceasefire should be used in the same sentence...

   Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said "strip down facing me," she was referring to my credit card.

   Dear Abby My husband underwent a psych evaluation at work It said he was a compulsive eater. Should I be worried? He's a gynecologist

   f a midget smokes weed does he get high or medium??

   As I was leaving work a coworker said “SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!” and now I'm slashing his tires.

   Got a tattoo that's says "mom". My mom got a tattoo that says "what". We're tattoo texting.