Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My kitchen is starting to look like a middle school science fair.

   Its funny how when I feel my phone vibrate I'll get up to read the text but when my alarm clock goes off in the morning I push snooze like 12 times.

   Everytime I get gas I want to pull out an AR15 and take out a gas pump! ... There's your war on terror!!

   Made it through the day without smoking any Peeps marshmallow bunnies. Feeling strong.

   Happy Leprechaun Appreciation Day!

   smart phones seem to be more high maintenance than a pet...calm down blackberry, I'm adapting to your ways of communicating...

   After the 2.2 magnitude earthquake in Blackpool, a huge crack has appeared on the promenade. The Tourist Board are said to be delighted that Jordan has decided to take a holiday there.

   If you ever want to embarass me, just be yourself.

   The only way I'm going to drop ten pounds is if I go shopping in England.

   A new study says the Internet is as addictive as cigarettes & booze. But every blog that I've read for the last 8 hours straight disagrees

   “Sorry, I didn't mean to break your liver.” – someone who is not an expert at breaking hearts.

   this uhh jersey shore show that my kids watch... is it like a facebook in reality.. t.v show ? just doesnt make sense to me .

   Live each day like you're marked for deletion.

   It's annoying when you go to a birthday party and you know nobody there except the host/hostess, and the host/hostess doesn't even pay attention to you so you're just sitting there awkwardly.

   Life is hell when you're sober.

   August 2: the date when the federal government is forecast to hit the debt limit and see all new loans cut off. Falls during "Simplify Your Life Week." Really?

   walking by the gas price sign at the Gas station and remembers the day when he could afford to drive to the gas station for his slushy

   im two short of a three sum. wheres ben&jerry?

   at least the news will make ppl shut the f**k up bout the "royal wedding"

   I only make mental bets and coincidentally I've lost my mind.