Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   handing out safe Halloween treats this year...1 condom & sample sized KY Jelly

   You never know what you have... until the test result come out.

   Side Chick Text - why is my name stored under pizza hut in yo phone?

   A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.

   You know you've finally matured when you stop asking for money to use on the bubblegum machines at Restaurants.

   in Egypt & i'm like WOW!!! did they get to 52B.C. & think... we got this far... let's stop?

   Women go shopping at the mall, Men go shopping on Facebook.

   We now live in a culture where ppl choose their insurance providers based on who has the most comedic TV commercials.

   "And the flowers are still standing!"

   Hostess is filing for bankruptcy? Buy all the twinkles, zingers, and ho's ho's as you can! D:

   I hate meeting super fine on Facebook but pugly in real life girls.

   And the Dalai Lama says to me, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me,... WHICH IS NICE !!

   just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks, so if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster....... SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   Daylight Savings Time doesn't officially start until 2am... but don't worry about trying to remember to set your clocks... I will be calling everybody then to remind you...

   Oh, to have you next to me in the morning. Your soothing warmth, your intensity, your comfort. I need to get a Mr. Coffee for my nightstand.

   "WANTED" - Meaningful Overnight Relationship, please inbox for details......

   Ever since I heard Drakes real name ie Aubrey I cant take him serious whem he says "ill catch a body"

   Bunnies must also contain tryptophan...Boy am I sleepy Zzzzzzzzz

   I'm not sure how many contact lenses I put in the same eye this morning, but I can see Saturn's rings from here.

   Bacon never asks silly questions... Bacon understands.