Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We now live in a culture where ppl choose their insurance providers based on who has the most comedic TV commercials.

   "And the flowers are still standing!"

   Hostess is filing for bankruptcy? Buy all the twinkles, zingers, and ho's ho's as you can! D:

   I hate meeting super fine on Facebook but pugly in real life girls.

   And the Dalai Lama says to me, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me,... WHICH IS NICE !!

   just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks, so if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster....... SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   Daylight Savings Time doesn't officially start until 2am... but don't worry about trying to remember to set your clocks... I will be calling everybody then to remind you...

   Oh, to have you next to me in the morning. Your soothing warmth, your intensity, your comfort. I need to get a Mr. Coffee for my nightstand.

   "WANTED" - Meaningful Overnight Relationship, please inbox for details......

   Ever since I heard Drakes real name ie Aubrey I cant take him serious whem he says "ill catch a body"

   Bunnies must also contain tryptophan...Boy am I sleepy Zzzzzzzzz

   I'm not sure how many contact lenses I put in the same eye this morning, but I can see Saturn's rings from here.

   Bacon never asks silly questions... Bacon understands.

   If you squint your eyes real hard this post looks likes it's in Spanish........ (ok, stop before someone see's you)

   The best way to get women is by trying to get rid of them.

   could really use a time machine to send me to the time before I started eating this whole pizza

   A Brief History of Our Times: As televisions became flatter, people became rounder.

   I try to accomplish something before the microwave reaches zero.

   If Adele, The Weeknd, Drake, and Frank Ocean made an album together. Everyone would be in their deepest feelings.

   The people in my office believe less is more. The less the women wear, the more of their work the guys will do for them.