Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't do it, that is why it didn't get done. :)

   Perfection is for liars and fakes.

   Ladies; Somewhere there's some weirdo rubbing his stinky nuts on your selfies.

   When you were 18, Miley Cyrus was 2. How was the Twerking for you, Robin Thicke?

   PS Don't light every scented candle you own if the power go's out. You'll have a Yankee Candle store-grade headache....

   I don't mean to brag, but I unclog all my own pipes.

   Marriages are made in heaven by angels who themselves are happy bachelors.

   In traffic no one hears you scream.

   To me, drink responsibly means don't spill it.

   It's funny, the only time we can express our feelings is in a quote, and then we post it to complete strangers, at least they understand.

   I was being all sexy n shi t but you blinked and you missed it

   Ryan Seacrest has found the final horcrux.

   In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him

   I keep my head held high because I know there's a beautiful deaf, mute & blind woman out there that's going to find me irresistible one day

   If your baby is singing a Nicki Minaj song, I will trip that baby.

   If anybody needs any light electrical work or masonry done, DM me. I can't help but I like getting messages.

   Bite marks, hickies, and scratches are love notes written in flesh.

   It seems like some people were born without a sense of humor

   I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now, I just shuffle along with the lost.

   If I ever delete you, , try to understand that you're one in a million. (Because I like 99.5% of people.)