Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   playing a game of pool with Prince Harry and some photographer from a tabloid newspaper. wish me luck

   Be the sun that burns everyday and still rises everyday to give light to others.

   Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I'm thinking taco cart...

   Deep Inside We All Know Money Is Everything..

   A woman's broken heart can be glued together with molten chocolate.

   It's called the pursuit of happiness because you spend your life chasing it before you realize it's the roadrunner and you're the coyote.

   I should really start going to bed earlier so I have more time in the morning to be late for work.

   Congratulations on your ability to create drama out of absolutely nothing.

   A real woman knows how to make you feel wanted, dead or alive.

   Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. Unless their shoes are Crocs. Those as sholes can die in a fire.

   Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up lol

   Round the clock unnecessary news on this...would have been more interesting if choosing the new pope was a production of the tv series Punked.

   Interrupt me to say I pronounced your name wrong, and I will make a point to say it wrong every time thereafter.

   You know you're addicted to Facebook, when you gauge how long you've napped by finding the last post you remember before falling asleep, and seeing how long it's been posted when you wake up.

   Married people don't celebrate St. Patrick's Day. That would imply that they'd actually expect to get lucky.

   If you get carried away, just promise to take me with you.

   Kristen Stewart looks pretty good for someone who's facial expression is always "I murdered someone"

   I knew I had to go on a diet when I started stealing the little candies out of my kid's Lunchables.

   Recent studies have shown that you are an idiot.

   Point your camera the other way, stupid! You keep taking pictures of yourself.