Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Congratulations on your ability to create drama out of absolutely nothing.

   A real woman knows how to make you feel wanted, dead or alive.

   Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. Unless their shoes are Crocs. Those as sholes can die in a fire.

   Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up lol

   Round the clock unnecessary news on this...would have been more interesting if choosing the new pope was a production of the tv series Punked.

   Interrupt me to say I pronounced your name wrong, and I will make a point to say it wrong every time thereafter.

   You know you're addicted to Facebook, when you gauge how long you've napped by finding the last post you remember before falling asleep, and seeing how long it's been posted when you wake up.

   Married people don't celebrate St. Patrick's Day. That would imply that they'd actually expect to get lucky.

   If you get carried away, just promise to take me with you.

   Kristen Stewart looks pretty good for someone who's facial expression is always "I murdered someone"

   I knew I had to go on a diet when I started stealing the little candies out of my kid's Lunchables.

   Recent studies have shown that you are an idiot.

   Point your camera the other way, stupid! You keep taking pictures of yourself.

   I didn't do it, that is why it didn't get done. :)

   Perfection is for liars and fakes.

   Ladies; Somewhere there's some weirdo rubbing his stinky nuts on your selfies.

   When you were 18, Miley Cyrus was 2. How was the Twerking for you, Robin Thicke?

   PS Don't light every scented candle you own if the power go's out. You'll have a Yankee Candle store-grade headache....

   I don't mean to brag, but I unclog all my own pipes.

   Marriages are made in heaven by angels who themselves are happy bachelors.