Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people think they are champagne in a tall glass, when in actual fact they're luke warm piss in a red plastic cup.

   My thoughts are with all of the crooks, fraudsters, politicians, super rich elite, celebrities and athletes during these difficult times. #PanamaLeaks

   Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner. He turned 90 years old yesterday. His friends threw him a big party. They had a naked woman jump out of a giant bran muffin.

   I wonder what people who type “u” instead of “you” do with all their free time.

   I wish anger burned more calories.

   Cats are like Meow, Chicka Meow Meow......

   The American dream I’m chasing is where the entire pizza is just a spiral of stuffed crust...

   I'm going to open a Star Wars themed Chinese Restaurant called "Hung So Lo."

   Extra virgin olive oil is just like regular olive oil but with more Star Wars action figures.

   I've decided I'll never get down to my original weight and I'm ok with that. After all, 7 lbs 4 oz is just not realistic.

   What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States? We wouldn't have to pay her as much.

   Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

   i can't believe it, Morley Safer tribute was on last week and not 60 minutes later he's gone

   High school makes you realize that you only need one best friend and like three close friends, because you realize how fake everyone is.

   Dude on TV just said, "Where there's fat, there's flavor." He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.

   I always wonder about this, what bathroom should a trangender gorilla use?

   ... If you think seven years back luck for breaking a mirror is bad .... Try breaking a condom.

   If she spits on it first, you better get ready for the night of your life!

   n't there an American Idol Contest somewhere you should be voting for?

   People that like to put their two cents in, make sure you have enough to spare first!