Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   daylight saving time starts sunday. Translation tired for a week.

   Just now at McDonalds: Go away kid, I don't have bubble wrap. That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up!

   The last time I was inside of a woman I was visiting the statue of liberty.

   What do you call a beat up Batman? A bruised Wayne.

   New US census report says nearly 1/3 of all millennials live with their parents. How many moulinyans live with their baby daddy?

   Came home from work so tired that I decided to just lie down and relax. Five minutes later there was a knock on the door. It was my butt just catching up.

   What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

   When Spock mind melds with Kirk they're collectively known as Spork.

   CNN just published a study that states if you skip breakfast, eat a light lunch and a big dinner, you won't lose weight. In a related study, fire is hot...

   I know a guy named Unique, has a twin brother.

   Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And the last day of your life so far.

   Almost that time if tear to whip out the Ol' cellular device and record a bunch of fireworks I'll never watch again.

   Now that Barry Manilow has announced his gender preference, his songs take on a whole new meaning.

   Another woman cause me to leave my wife. It was her mother.

   I got kicked out of the boy scouts for eating a browine

   Would you people PLEASE stop praying for my Grandpa to get stronger . . . he's ALREADY grabbed me by the throat this morning!

   In a crowded room I like to let out a silent but deadly fart then shout "do I smell popcorn" so everyone gets a good whiff!

   Brady has decided to remail in Florida after retirement because of the low inflation there.

   Guys I just seen this girl crying outside of my local mall. I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance. When God blesses you, you must bless others. Spread love

   That cat had more yards the. Jason Witten 🤪❤️