Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tell someone you love them today, because life is too short. But shout it to them in Russian, because life is also extremely terrifying and very confusing.

   Bernie Sanders endorcing Hillary Clinton feels so much like when the girl you love starts dating the guy you hate most.

   Bet those two guys that hang out at Sonic have breath that smells like pickles, onions, and genitals.

   Thank you, ladies. For shaving your pits, legs, bikini,and face. Thank you for makeup and clothes that shape you, and hold it all in. Thank you for face-lifts, tummy tucks, implants and lipo. Sincerely, Us Fake Men.

   Shoutout to the American voters for narrowing our options down to the jerk from 'The Apprentice' and the inspiration for 'House of Cards'

   Paul Manafort and Vladimir Putin walk into a Russian vodka bar. There's no joke. It's just business.

   What happens between a man and a McChicken should stay between that man and the McChicken....

   While we're all talking about it, can I suggest a Fish n Chip truck on every other corner?

   People playing Pokemon, Blink 182 having a hit song, a Clinton running for Pres., a Tarzan movie in theaters. Welcome to the 90s.

   Happy 18th birthday Google. You can officially go to a titty bar G ( . ) ( . ) G L E👍

   Doesn't matter who the public votes for president, it's up to the electoral college! get over it people

   I'm going to name my next dog Nama . So I can say NamaStay !

   I dont win marathons because I'm lucky, I win them because I'm driven

   Uncircumcised? Hey, at least you have one hoodie she can't steal.

   Did you know the word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in every English dictionary?

   accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

   i miss when my mom would fix girls nails after they got in a fight for free if they showed her the fight video

   Just like CVS, I too can be your Plan B on Valentine’s Day for $48

   anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

   first day of Trump Preisdency and already racism is spreading. Everyone is talking about how unreliable the Poles are.