Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone on my fb just posted they had just backed synonym buns. I replied, you mean the ones grammar use to make? Now I'm blocked

   The best way to open a Capri Sun is with a bullet.

   Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's day, then the side chick is you.

   The Early Bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

   Roses are Red, They go in a Bucket, They cost 60 dollars So you'd better...

   It's hard to be a straight guy these days. I'm all for equal pay and treatment for women but I also love titties...

   daylight saving time starts sunday. Translation tired for a week.

   Just now at McDonalds: Go away kid, I don't have bubble wrap. That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up!

   The last time I was inside of a woman I was visiting the statue of liberty.

   What do you call a beat up Batman? A bruised Wayne.

   New US census report says nearly 1/3 of all millennials live with their parents. How many moulinyans live with their baby daddy?

   Came home from work so tired that I decided to just lie down and relax. Five minutes later there was a knock on the door. It was my butt just catching up.

   What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

   When Spock mind melds with Kirk they're collectively known as Spork.

   CNN just published a study that states if you skip breakfast, eat a light lunch and a big dinner, you won't lose weight. In a related study, fire is hot...

   I know a guy named Unique, has a twin brother.

   Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And the last day of your life so far.

   Almost that time if tear to whip out the Ol' cellular device and record a bunch of fireworks I'll never watch again.

   Now that Barry Manilow has announced his gender preference, his songs take on a whole new meaning.

   Another woman cause me to leave my wife. It was her mother.