Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hi google earth, please update location 4.025639 ,- 39.423074, I am in a cool yacht posing naked

   heard the bad news that dozens of NYC ambulances are out of service due to snowdrifts piled high in the streets. The good news is there are dozens of lawyers out of service now, too.

   In West Virginia, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching him because he was completely out of breath.

   your eye's sparkle like a bass boat in the sunshine.....

   I think it's interesting that "cologne" rhymes with "alone".

   So, Tiger and Jesse cheat and they have a sex addiction and need therapy, but a women has an affair, killes off her husband and she gets to be on Oxegen's SNAPPED!!!

   a slurpee a day keeps the teacher away

   i'm speechless...what can I say?....i saw it comin b4 it happen...i felt the fart but i'm goin to shout my mouth let them blame the fat kid

   BP Divides Gulf of Mexico into Full Service, Self Service

   I use to hear snap crackle pop, and think of breakfast time. Now I hear it, I think I had better get out of this chair.

   See,,, I told you it would fit!!

   wondering if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

   With my iPad in my lap, I feel so fresh. All over.

   A pat on the back is just a few centimeters away from a kick in the ass.

   Don't run from a sniper. You'll only die tired.

   thinks that while many auto manufactures put the brakes on due to this global ressession, Toyota just kept on rollin'.

   "Milk-a-what?"

   I never realized how much I cuss until I had to add all those 4 letter words to my phones dictionary. I am not ducking crazy, piece of shirt !

   My opponent Cindy wants to kill you and your family... the 3 good things about her though is 1) She has nice hair 2) She has a nice smile 3) She likes the outdoors

   What would Zach Galifianakis do?