Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BP Divides Gulf of Mexico into Full Service, Self Service

   I use to hear snap crackle pop, and think of breakfast time. Now I hear it, I think I had better get out of this chair.

   See,,, I told you it would fit!!

   wondering if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

   With my iPad in my lap, I feel so fresh. All over.

   A pat on the back is just a few centimeters away from a kick in the ass.

   Don't run from a sniper. You'll only die tired.

   thinks that while many auto manufactures put the brakes on due to this global ressession, Toyota just kept on rollin'.

   "Milk-a-what?"

   I never realized how much I cuss until I had to add all those 4 letter words to my phones dictionary. I am not ducking crazy, piece of shirt !

   Mr. Officer would you like Coffee & doughnuts with my license & registration sir???

   thinking they need to rename 'Dancing with the Stars' to 'Dancing with the National Enquirer.'

   Home and drunk before midnight, and not sleeping in the drunk tank with a roll of toilet paper as a pillow......woo hoo!!!

   heard that Bruce Willis is working on the next Die Hard movie. Working titles are Die Hard: The Colonoscopy or Die Hard: Medicare with a Vengeance.

   When life hands you lemons you make lemonade so find somebody with vodka and have a party!!

   I wonder how stupid people knew they were being stupid before the slap to the back of the head was invented?

   Somedays it is just so hard being so much better than most people.

   just wondering if there's ever been a "hook-up" on "Wife Swap" that ABC just couldn't air! LOL! Wouldn't that be HILARIOUS?!!!=)

   4 out of 5 dentists recommend me

   Nothing beats going through last night's drunk texts to find a sexy convo you were having.