Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.

   Fish have sex without penetration. Yes I was watching National Geographic all weekend.

   why don't you go slip into something more comfortable......................like a Coma

   8 pound baby?1?!? that pretty cheap

   Does Stephen Hawking think that automated calls are making fun of him?

   I turned my lights off early. These little beggars aren't getting all my candy.

   It's a good thing my bed can't file a restraining order.

   Getting a cavity filled tomorrow... Geesh, I hate going to the airport

   After seeing all this 12/12/12 stuff today, I can tell you December 21st is really going to be annoying.

   The only success in life is making someone drive back and forth in front of your house late at night, wishing they were still with you.

   Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a butthead."

   I'm going to take a shot for every "like" I get on this status....then again....I'm taking shots whether you b*stards like it or not.

   Emo kids can't wait to reach puberty so they can cut themselves shaving.

   Sometimes I use unforgettable movie characters to inspire me. You know, like Ferris Bueller…

   Man, I beat my meat like I just caught it breaking into my apartment.

   Bill O'Reilly and Bill Cosby walk into a bar. Everyone immediately covers their drinks in fear.

   where do I sign to get microchipped and controlled by the government i'm tired of making my own decisions

   Knock knock. Who's there? FBI

   Think the Covid19 is bad? Wait till you catch the "Blue Flu"

   What do you call an Indian with no money? Brokeahontas.