Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman told me that I was right today. Did hell finally freeze over?

   Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?

   Us Yanks play "soccer." We call it "kickball" and play it in elementary school.

   I'm not sure which is worse: People who try to force their religion onto you. Or people who insist on telling you about their daily horoscope.

   Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone's front porch.

   Atlanta gets 2ins of snow and the city is parlized, in Canada we call 2in of snow summer.

   It seems like the winters have gotten colder since Al Gore stopped blowing hot air about global warming. Coincidence? I think not.

   With so many idiots roaming the earth now, maybe scientist need to stop the search for cure for cancer, and start working on finding the cure for idiocy.

   Facebook is like an empty fridge. You keep checking it even though you know nothing will be there.

   Warning we now have a new I am so philosophical‎, ha,ha

   All you need to find true love is a gun, some rope and duct tape.

   take the d out of a bandana and you get a banana but if you put the d in a banana you get asked to leave the supermarket

   Hillary Clinton announced she has joined Instagram to help with her campain ..... . Meanwhile .... Bernie Sanders joined telegram.

   I've mastered the art of trusting people when they have clearly proven they don't deserve to be trusted

   Every room is a waiting room without you.

   One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

   Explaining to a woman why she's wrong is the most difficult thing in the world.

   Kanye looks lovingly at Kim... "Thank you for coming to my wedding."

   "You're more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark."... *The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

   The only time the word incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.