Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wear gasoline for cologne because b*tches love money.

   I went to the blockbuster store... and saw a caveman sitting in the corner trying to make fire by rubbing two VHS tapes together.

   I never said I went to "high school",I said I went to "school high".

   Step 1: Boil noodles. Step 2: Make sauce. Step 3: Take picture of completed dish before eating and post to Facebook saying "Mmmmm SkETTi!"

   Behind every successful status update there is : Ctrl+C & Ctrl+V

   "911, what's your emergency?"... "Hi. Long time listener, first time caller."... "That's really funny."... "Thank you. Anyways, I'm being stabbed."

   Women that watch football are the real MVP.

   A woman told me that I was right today. Did hell finally freeze over?

   Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?

   Us Yanks play "soccer." We call it "kickball" and play it in elementary school.

   I'm not sure which is worse: People who try to force their religion onto you. Or people who insist on telling you about their daily horoscope.

   Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone's front porch.

   Atlanta gets 2ins of snow and the city is parlized, in Canada we call 2in of snow summer.

   It seems like the winters have gotten colder since Al Gore stopped blowing hot air about global warming. Coincidence? I think not.

   With so many idiots roaming the earth now, maybe scientist need to stop the search for cure for cancer, and start working on finding the cure for idiocy.

   Facebook is like an empty fridge. You keep checking it even though you know nothing will be there.

   Warning we now have a new I am so philosophical‎, ha,ha

   All you need to find true love is a gun, some rope and duct tape.

   take the d out of a bandana and you get a banana but if you put the d in a banana you get asked to leave the supermarket

   Hillary Clinton announced she has joined Instagram to help with her campain ..... . Meanwhile .... Bernie Sanders joined telegram.