Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank God for the internet! Curse those who search and find out that this is where I've been stealing funny from. Yikes!

   Why do people have Spiders as pets? It's not like tarantulas are cuddly or anything. I refuse to have a “pet” whose secret fantasy is finally being able to wrap me in a cocoon.

   Summer's Eve announced a new douche infused with THC, anti-perspirant, & KFC... It leaves you fresh, high, dry, and finger lickin' good!

   Just found out that if you bake ice cream it does NOT make ice cream cake

   Gonna get a softball team going and name ourselves "off constantly". That way if we lose a game, we could still have the satisfaction of listening our opponents try to brag about beating off constantly..

   I CAN'T believe I am 50 years old! What.... I'm 57? I CAN'T believe I have Alzheimers!

   I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop.

   In-laws are watching the kids tonight. Can't wait to put a load in the dishwasher.

   For sale: one toilet, one toilet seat and one roll of toilet paper. Because I just don't give a sh*t.

   Stalking is when two people go for a romantic walk, but only one of them knows about it.

   Son, we're Irish,,,,,, So technically every one of your ribs is a McRib

   There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up... Unbelievable...

   if the Miss America contestants all represent their home state, why are they all white and skinny??

   A flying saucer lands at a gas station. Two aliens got out. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station guy goes, "Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" "No", said one of aliens, "Unleaded Fuel Only."

   So I ordered an industrial electric motor online and modified my ceiling fan, so now I have off, high, tornado, and hurricane. And oddly, a self cleaning house now.....

   .If the head is split you must acquit

   I just listened to the song "She'll be coming around the Mountain" and you know what, if "She'll be riding six white horses when she comes", she's probably more woman than most of us can handle

   The term "chubby chasers" is so misleading and inaccurate. They don't run.

   I wonder how long it will take for the Adult XXX 'Hannah does Montana' video series to come out?

   I need my own personal black guy to blame stuff on.