Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She called it off because she found out she wasn't in the will.

   so impatient he flushes the toilet before he's finished peeing.

   How can a guy think he looks cool in pink shorts.

   i still dont know what a holler-back girl is >.<

   Bring Your Kids To Work Day" is most disappointing for the children of teachers..!

   I bet fish have a lot of arguments about what's causing the land to lower.

   I want to have a s3x change. From "none" to "lots".

   Jerk** I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   Hell has no fury like an ugly woman when she gets power.

   Everyone grows old but not everyone grows up.

   I was so confused as a kid, my parents said "Don't take candy from strangers". Then on Halloween they sent me to random strangers door for candy.WTH was that about?

   My wife just yelled that I pay more attention to Facebook than I do to her, or at least that's what I think she said to me....

   If Katniss and Peeta from “Hunger Games” were Hollywood celebrities, their super couple nickname would either be Katpee or Peeniss.”

   Pete Carroll Press Conference "I'm just here so I don't get fined"

   Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

   I did not have communications with that phone

   Dad, what's it like to be in a relationship? Well son, remember how I taught you chess? Where the King can only move one space but the Queen can go anywhere she wants?

   But really, how DO they signal for Batman during the day!?"

   I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

   *crawls into bed* dad, I had a nightmare. Can I sleep here? *dad sighs* "Son youre 30 and we live 4 states away. How did you even get here?"