Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's no such thing as a Chubby "Chaser"...chubby folks can't run very fast.

   This year, I think I'd like to visit the 'Smithereens'. Seems like just about everyone gets blown there ツ

   the more people I meet the more I like my dog

   I'm not impatient...I just don't like to wait.

   In Criminal Court, You See Bad People at Their Best; In Family Court, You See Good People at Their Worst

   A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I'm dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.

   Well technically,,, Every burger a bulimic girl eats is an In-N-Out burger.

   Cardinal Baseball song of the night: " I left my ̶̶H̶̶e̶̶a̶̶r̶̶t̶̶ Ass in San Francisco"

   CONSERVATIVE"I'm more traditional like a flathead screwdriver vote for me" LIBERAL "I'm more modern like a phillips screwdriver vote for me" VOTERS "No matter who wins we're SCREWED"

   yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.."

   Sorry,,,, My dog ate my homework. -Culinary student.

   If you are going to have loud sex, make sure the guy isn't the loudest one.

   My letter to Santa starts something like this: Dear Santa, My sister did it..

   Dear Santa, I plead the fifth! No wait... I drank it!!

   I'm not saying she's a slut, but she's been pounded more than the I in Pixar.

   Hoarders have feelings too, you know,,,,,,,,,, They're around here somewhere,,, (moves empty pizza boxes around)

   I'm watching that episode of The Cosby Show where Theo poisons Rudy because he's jealous of her moustache

   I went in to see a psychiatrist. I say, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?

   My dogs are giving me the look. The look that says “we saw the empty wine bottles and we know that we have to walk you tonight instead.”

   Hey Crossfit idiots All I can think about when I see you running with your backpack full of weights is how quickly you'd sink if I pushed you over the bridge.