Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just had a bad dream. I went to the Facebook log in screen and it asked if I wanted to sign in using my Myspace account.

   thinks the biggest similarity between a Gynaecologist and a Pizza delivery boy is that they both can smell what's in the box.. however they can't sample it!!

   going to a fancy dress party in just his underwear tonight... and when people ask "what you come as" i'll say " A Premature Ejaculation, I've just come in my pants"

   enjoys seeing white guys with Chinese girlfriends, because he knows they're saving big bucks on massages.

   Lady Gaga is the reason why waldo is hiding.

   here

   I "HOPE" we can "CHANGE" it back!

   If you are in a canoe flying over the grand canyon and a tire falls off how many pancakes does it take to fix a dog house orange elephants dont like ice cream

   Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!

   pregnant chicks get on the bus and think you suppose to give them your seat like b@tch you should of fcked a niqqa with a car

   I just saw a Middle-Eastern guy vigorously shaking out a carpet off a 3rd floor balcony in my condo building. I yelled out, "WHAT UP, AKBAR? IT WON'T START?"

   Obama promised change, then he changed the promise..

   for the first time in my adult life....i'm proud to be a Massachusettonian

   That awkward moment at the club when the white girl dances better than the black girl...#shame

   congrats to the NY Steinbrenners for buying....I mean winning the World Series!! Baseball is no longer America's Sport, the NFL is. Learn from them and get a salary cap!

   When I date single moms, I tell the kids "I'm not trying to fill the hole left by your father; just the ones inside your mother."

   BRADY: Sup. TEBOW: Sup. BRADY: What have you been up too? TEBOW: Studying the Bible. What about you? BRADY: Banging Gisele Bundchen. [Awkward Silence]

   Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and bad decisions.

   While looking down at my shorts, my wife said "well somebodies happy to see me" To which I replied "No its just a Samsung Galaxy MEGA in my pocket"

   How many girls it takes to change a light bulb? 4 if you count the one taking and posting the pic to Facebook