Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For every women that has rejected me . I'm going to give them chocolate covered Tide pods for Valentine's day

   My plumber said that the weird noise coming out of my shower is me crying.

   One driverless car killed a pedestrian today. Meanwhile, 73 human drivers killed pedestrians today...

   According to this IRS form, I multiply line 32 by the opposite number of my dependents plus the logarithm of the number on line 17 unless my shirt has a front pocket and WAAAAA!! brain explodes

   The second hand on my watch broke so I went and got a new one at, (you guessed it...) a secondhand store. While I was there I also bought a box of cigars, so this evening I'm enjoying secondhand smoke.

   What kind of psychopath scrambles their eggs in the pan rather than before they’re put in the pan?

   If meterorologist are people who studies the weather. Are people who study meteors weatherologist?

   A porta potty is a pretty safe place to fart

   Ain't it funny how the night moves When you just don't seem to have as much to lose Strange how the night moves With autumn closing in....

   If I'm ever on life support, unplug me..... then plug me back in. See if that works.

   easier to get into than a community college!

   Well folks.. Did you pray about the election? If you believe in god, there you have it. God loves Democrats more.

   Kanye West has a pair of $90,000 shoes and he still can't figure out why people hate him.

   Why does Obama give his speeches behind bulletproof glass? Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anybody/

   a mystery you'll never solve

   save a horse, ride a chupacabra

   Whenever I get a phone call that reads, "Unknown Name" on the caller ID, I have to resist the urge to answer, "Mitchell's Abortion Clinic, you make it, we scrape it, no fetus will beat us. How can I help you today?"

   the one who stole the frigg'n cookie from the cookie jar. Now shut up!

   "The meaning of the word Islam is 'submission' or 'surrender'. Which makes it surprising that's it's not a more popular religion in France."

   What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day and anal sex makes your hole weak...