Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a great musician. I was playing my trumpet at 5am when my neighbor threw a brick through my window. He must've wanted to hear me better.

   How the hell do ballet dancers spin around so much and not get dizzy? I spin around twice on my seat at work and I vomit in the trash can.

   "I don't care what anyone thinks!" - People who care what everyone thinks

   Does anyone remember Tom's last name from Myspace? If he has a Facebook page I want to be his friend. I mean, he was there for me.

   If I can just make it one more day without some kid that I've never seen before wishing me a happy father's day this weekend will be a success.

   GUYS: dont you just love it when your girlfriends friends have worse relationships than yours!!!!

   honesty is a very expensive thing that I wouldnt expect from cheap people

   it true that the secret fantasy of a frustrated Amish woman is two Mennonite?

   My favorite kinds of lists,,,,, # 1: short lists

   Sometimes I Blue-Ball myself to start my day. That way I'll be just as angry as the rest of humanity and fit right in.

   Always be nice to the kid who owns the baseball

   getting to work on time only makes the day longer

   Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

   Amish girls make the best side chicks. They will never call you.

   Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

   I’m so lucky my husband invested $100,000 in a mask company right before the pandemic. I mean it was a Halloween mask company but still…

   My phone autocorrected the word ”never” to ”beef feet.” Yes, phone, ”beef feet” is what I meant. ”Beef feet” say die.

   ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile* “And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!” ~ Karma Chameleon

   Dropping my cheeseburger on the ground before I eat it is about as organic as I get

   Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.