Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   n I die I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui I want my husband to be so mad he has to drop out of college!!!

   Idiots who have lift kits on their trucks and have over 22 inch rims use Axe on their tires.

   I'm typing this status from my car. Now don't go flipping out, I’m in the passenger seat. It kinda makes it a little harder to drive, yet it fools the cops, so hey...

   I've lived with demons. I can handle you.

   Twitter is a fun, safe place to share your feelings if you don't mind being told to go kill yourself.

   My sisters don't think "Joe's Bra Shop:We fix flats." is an appropriate way to answer the phone but the boys who call think I'm hilarious.

   I guess I should have told you my kid was a dog when I sent the invitation to his first birthday party.

   "If only there were a free online encyclopedia to answer that for you" ~ Me, way more times a day that I would like.

   there a Nobel prize for being extremely mediocre because I would like to nominate myself...

   I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs

   Banning Ke$ha's song is almost as embarrassing as admitting you even play Ke$ha on your radio station!

   Apocalypse Update Day 2: Still here....... Damn!!

   ‎2013 is the chinese year of the snake. I hope I can quit putting dragon on my checks

   vodka is made with potatoes....i have a lot of family who like "health drinks"

   There must be something behind the power outage at the super dome, may be stop the momentum??

   Dear English Majors: How did the word "Dingleberry" get it's name?

   The designated driver's most important job is making sure no one gets any tattoos!

   I'd never slip a roofie in your drink, that's a Mentos.

   "Ugh...I get one CALL?? Can I please just text someone?" ~me in prison

   Drove by an automated speed sign, it said "SLOW DOWN! YOUR SPEED IS 45MPH" It was right next the sign that said "Speed Limit 45 MPH".