Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The phrase “I don’t get women” has two different meanings depending on your marital status.

   Baby, I'll respect you in the morning if you leave tonight.

   BREAKING: NY Jets trade Kellen Winslow for Pee Wee Herman...

   Blacking out is the ultimate in relaxation.

   Why was your bf wearing your bra?

   It's hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food and beer

   Went to the grocery store with my sister and she got kicked out because she was complaining that all the bananas were bent...

   n I die I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui I want my husband to be so mad he has to drop out of college!!!

   Idiots who have lift kits on their trucks and have over 22 inch rims use Axe on their tires.

   I'm typing this status from my car. Now don't go flipping out, I’m in the passenger seat. It kinda makes it a little harder to drive, yet it fools the cops, so hey...

   I've lived with demons. I can handle you.

   Twitter is a fun, safe place to share your feelings if you don't mind being told to go kill yourself.

   My sisters don't think "Joe's Bra Shop:We fix flats." is an appropriate way to answer the phone but the boys who call think I'm hilarious.

   I guess I should have told you my kid was a dog when I sent the invitation to his first birthday party.

   "If only there were a free online encyclopedia to answer that for you" ~ Me, way more times a day that I would like.

   there a Nobel prize for being extremely mediocre because I would like to nominate myself...

   I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs

   Banning Ke$ha's song is almost as embarrassing as admitting you even play Ke$ha on your radio station!

   Apocalypse Update Day 2: Still here....... Damn!!

   ‎2013 is the chinese year of the snake. I hope I can quit putting dragon on my checks