Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Punxutawney Phil came back out today and wrote a message in the snow. It said, "April Fools!!" Looks like Ground Hog season is starting early this year.. Lock and load!

   equal pay for equal work ---> equal work for equal pay...as of 9 APR that equals zero. Until we are retroactively paid, I will retroactively work.

   Please note: If you're thinking you will be raptured at 6pm, I'm willing to take care of your Farmville operation. I'll just need your facebook log-in and password.......

   I firmly believe that horse races are the rich man's NASCAR

   Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren't in our best interest?

   Beer is good but beers are better.

   There are 2 types of people. Ones I like and everyone else.

   If the shoe fits, shove it up your ass

   I'm definitely not trying to insult your intelligence, you would have to possess some first.

   I don't understand why people want a relationship when there's pizza.

   No I feel fine. I just don't feel like coming in today.

   You look like a good reason to drink.

   I hate the fact I can't slam the door on my cubicle.

   I must've missed the end where they all eat orange slices and drink capri suns...

   where did all these feelings come from and where can I put them

   My love language is paranoia.

   On a scale of 1 to "Why the hell are you looking at my phone while i'm texting?", how paranoid are you?

   There is just so much for me not to care about.

   Sorry I must have hit the unfollow button by mistake. BLOCKED - there fixed it

   I can't decide if I should lay off the booze or just lay in it.