Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oxiclean commercials just aren't the same without Billy Mays. Also late night tv needs more Vince from Shamwow. That hooker prob had it coming

   McDonalds Monopoly starts today, and my annual ritual to find my specs so I can read the .05 mm alphanumeric numbers on the bottom

   I named my dog life because she is a b!tch too.

   Don't you hate when you put some much work and effort into an assignment and still fail it miserably.

   the New Jersey Devils are winning at a pace that would make Charlie Sheen envious

   It must suck for Jimmer that he is the leading scorer in the nation, but isn't allowed to score!

   Punxutawney Phil came back out today and wrote a message in the snow. It said, "April Fools!!" Looks like Ground Hog season is starting early this year.. Lock and load!

   equal pay for equal work ---> equal work for equal pay...as of 9 APR that equals zero. Until we are retroactively paid, I will retroactively work.

   Please note: If you're thinking you will be raptured at 6pm, I'm willing to take care of your Farmville operation. I'll just need your facebook log-in and password.......

   I firmly believe that horse races are the rich man's NASCAR

   Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren't in our best interest?

   Beer is good but beers are better.

   There are 2 types of people. Ones I like and everyone else.

   If the shoe fits, shove it up your ass

   I'm definitely not trying to insult your intelligence, you would have to possess some first.

   I don't understand why people want a relationship when there's pizza.

   No I feel fine. I just don't feel like coming in today.

   You look like a good reason to drink.

   I hate the fact I can't slam the door on my cubicle.

   I must've missed the end where they all eat orange slices and drink capri suns...