Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My ex was really into erotic asphyxiation. And by "erotic asphyxiation" I mean he was fat and I couldn't breathe.

   says If you're going to be original, be prepared to be copied.

   I'm so emo I just unfollowed myself then wrote a poem about how it felt.

   My wife wants me to go outside to put away the picnic table and umbrella away for the winter. How can she expect me to reach these things from the couch?...it's impossible. She just does not understand.

   Someone told me that the word "gullible" was not in the dictionary. Well I checked and it was there! Sometimes people's idiocy surprises me.

   Singing passionately in the shower, pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower, not so much.

   Thanks for the advice, but I don't need advice. I need henchmen and a robot butler.

   My relationship status is like my iPad... I don't have an iPad

   Shout Out to the dude that's getting beat by the police cuz he took his hands off the hood of the car to Tweet about being pulled over!

   I really feel the techniques on the Dog Whisperer could work on some problematic human beings too.

   A woman will watch the game with you. The perfect woman will watch it on top of you.

   If getting people to love you by dangling them over an eternal pit of hell fire is wrong, I don't want to be right.

   It picks the movie out quickly from the Redbox or it gets the hose again....you stupid b!tch....

   money is the root of all evil I thought But when I'm broke is usually when I have the evilest thoughts.

   I never realized how easily I bruise until I played Angry Birds with the sound on around other people.

   Only a few more days until those “yo, 2012 is about to be my year” status updates..

   Last New Year's, people promised me that 2011 would be MY year. Those people are liars and are no longer my life coaches

   WINTER DRIVING TIP: Wait until your vechicle has slipped off the road instead of Texting while driving.

   if I blocked you on Facebook...what makes you think I want to connect on LinkedIn? just sayin

   Mr. Kotter, Please excuse Juan from class today because he is dead. Signed: Epstein's Mom. R.I.P. Robert Hedges.