Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I am arguing with someone and they say "READ MY LIPS" I slap them in the mouth and tell them my vision is bad so I need large print.

   Son told me last night if I watched one more episode of Glee he was pulling my "Man" card!! I said whats a "Man" card? He says, something that you no longer have.... Kids these days,,,,,,,

   They got chicken-flavored doggy treats..ok...how does a dog know what a chicken is? He might like it if you give it to him, but he's not gonna say "Oh good I was hoping we was gonna have chicken again"

   Stop calling yourself sexy. The only thing you turn on is a microwave.

   In bed it's 6am, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, its 7:45. At school it's 11:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 11:30

   TRUTH IS:... Kardashian should be a verb for "Bounce"  "Ayo homie i'd like to kick it but I gotta Kardashian"

   May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook

   My ex was really into erotic asphyxiation. And by "erotic asphyxiation" I mean he was fat and I couldn't breathe.

   says If you're going to be original, be prepared to be copied.

   I'm so emo I just unfollowed myself then wrote a poem about how it felt.

   My wife wants me to go outside to put away the picnic table and umbrella away for the winter. How can she expect me to reach these things from the couch?...it's impossible. She just does not understand.

   Someone told me that the word "gullible" was not in the dictionary. Well I checked and it was there! Sometimes people's idiocy surprises me.

   Singing passionately in the shower, pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower, not so much.

   Thanks for the advice, but I don't need advice. I need henchmen and a robot butler.

   My relationship status is like my iPad... I don't have an iPad

   Shout Out to the dude that's getting beat by the police cuz he took his hands off the hood of the car to Tweet about being pulled over!

   I really feel the techniques on the Dog Whisperer could work on some problematic human beings too.

   A woman will watch the game with you. The perfect woman will watch it on top of you.

   If getting people to love you by dangling them over an eternal pit of hell fire is wrong, I don't want to be right.

   It picks the movie out quickly from the Redbox or it gets the hose again....you stupid b!tch....