Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love you so much that if I had to choose between the last bottle of vodka in the world and you, I would make a toast in your honor.

   So, this guy left work a little bit ago for a cataract removal Since he's Japanese, Ihave no idea if he needs eye surgery or his escalade towed.

   Well sadly,,, The irony of being a horse, is that if you lift weights for a whole year,, you will still only have 1 horsepower.. Next question

   The average whale swallows 8 octopuses in its sleep every year.

   I don’t chase after men. I don’t even walk after them.

   The speed and graphics on Microsoft Windows 10 is gonna be SO GOOD we'll be able to down load twice the social anxiety disorders in HALF the time...!!!!

   FYI ladies: I've been to fb jail twice this week. So if you're into bad boys get at me. But not tonight cause I have knitting class.

   People who play tough on the Internet are my favorite losers.

   I have an appointment with a psychiatrist over some rental property I just acquired. I think I have an apartment complex.

   I'm from Canada, but they kicked me out 'cause I wasn't sorry.

   No one knows you better than your browser.

   The hardest part of any relationship is when it's not your turn to talk.

   Don't take life laying down. That is, unless you're a prostitute. . .

   Last New Years I resolved to lose five pounds...I only have ten to go...

   My clothing style today will be sh*t I'm running late, with accessories from the sh*t its cold collection, with a hint of I don't give a sh*t.

   If you’re going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance....

   So.. since when did the Government have closing hours. I think it's time for a civilian take over. . .

   Interviewer: Why should you work here? Waiter: I believe I am capable of bringing a lot to the table. Interviewer: Can you start Monday?

   You're not the sharpest knife in my back.

   Stop, drop and roll won't work in hell.