Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have an appointment with a psychiatrist over some rental property I just acquired. I think I have an apartment complex.

   I'm from Canada, but they kicked me out 'cause I wasn't sorry.

   No one knows you better than your browser.

   The hardest part of any relationship is when it's not your turn to talk.

   Don't take life laying down. That is, unless you're a prostitute. . .

   Last New Years I resolved to lose five pounds...I only have ten to go...

   My clothing style today will be sh*t I'm running late, with accessories from the sh*t its cold collection, with a hint of I don't give a sh*t.

   If you’re going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance....

   So.. since when did the Government have closing hours. I think it's time for a civilian take over. . .

   Interviewer: Why should you work here? Waiter: I believe I am capable of bringing a lot to the table. Interviewer: Can you start Monday?

   You're not the sharpest knife in my back.

   Stop, drop and roll won't work in hell.

   I grew up poor in the 80's. My whole family had to share one headband.

   The jerk store called. Instead of texting. Typical

   I see your Zimmerman and raise you a Casey Anthony

   Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights

   I was watching what I thought was a documentary on Hindu Gods; they featured that strange one that looks like a bizarre elephant. Turns out it was a Rosie O'Donnell interview.

   I have an eating disorder, where I eat dis order,,, and dat order,,, and dis other order on the next table.

   Well the news reports that a Tibetan Mastiff was purchased in China for 2 Million Dollars. Some one over there is about to eat the most expensive authentic Chinese Meal they've ever had today.

   Ladies; you’re all crazy and men are idiots. You just need to find the idiot that matches your crazy.