Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The government today, announced that it's changing it's emblem from a Bald Eagle to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government 's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects

   Most elderly women look like they put their lipstick on with their feet.

   Describe myself in one word? Okay....Handsomesexyintelligentfunny.

   Replying to a text with "k" not only shows that you're an a**hole, but also shows your a lazy f**k that abbreviates a two letter word.

   aww. you need to wipe your mouth sweetheart, you've got some bull ish on your lips.

   If you have a pic of a celebrity as your profile pic I am gonna assume you are one ugly b!tch with extreme low self esteem.

   Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, but he never called his wife or mother because they were both deaf... which would actually make him the original inventor of the 'booty call' as well.

   E-Harmony: Dislikes: "Women who shoot their gun sideways!!"

   k mmmmmmmmmmmmm,7 3 (OMG, MY CAT WROTE THAT, HE'S A GENIUS.)

   would someone please wake Green Day.

   I plan on buying some men's Rompers. Right after I get a vag installed in the space where my dik and b@lls once occupied.

   The fickle public will lose interest in the Kobe crash faster than they did with Popeye's chicken sandwich.

   I've done the calculations. So far this year I've saved just short of $3600 from not having to buy Movie theatre Popcorn. I hope they don't have to raise the prices in 2021.

   Mandating masks outdoors is like mandating seatbelts when you’re not in a car.

   Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job? What’s so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?

   My favorite word is "apparently" because it makes any statement sound sarcastic. "He's intelligent. Apparently."

   I just met Melania two speech writers... Mr. Copy and Mrs.Paste.

   Hmmm, last night it sounded like them Democrats wanted to screw up everything......

   DNC motto "Let's Make America Not So Great Again"

   I'm happier than a busload of f@t ladies on the way to a Bon Jovi concert.