Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Endless Love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

   Tip of the Day: Be nice to midgets. They have short tempers.

   Galatians 1:19 But I saw none of the other apostles except James the Lord's brother.... Go to church fool

   Its Nelson Mandela day and his birthday today and people still wish him many many more years. For heavens sake the man is 93 years old.

   Hitting the LIKE button on your own Facebook status is like sending a text message to yourself then replying.

   was excited this morning when I received an email with a subject line of "Beaver" and an attached pic. My excitement was crushed when I opened it only to discover it was a picture of an actual beaver.

   I just came up with a new reality show. It's called "Pushing the Kardashians Into Oncoming Traffic." One episode is all you'll need....

   Dear guys that keep sending me creepy messages telling me how much you want me: You have as much of a chance with me as a midget does of being the next NBA superstar.

   I need an app on my phone to connect to the morons Bluetooth driving next to me so I can fart in his ear.

   The government today, announced that it's changing it's emblem from a Bald Eagle to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government 's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects

   Most elderly women look like they put their lipstick on with their feet.

   Describe myself in one word? Okay....Handsomesexyintelligentfunny.

   Replying to a text with "k" not only shows that you're an a**hole, but also shows your a lazy f**k that abbreviates a two letter word.

   aww. you need to wipe your mouth sweetheart, you've got some bull ish on your lips.

   If you have a pic of a celebrity as your profile pic I am gonna assume you are one ugly b!tch with extreme low self esteem.

   Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, but he never called his wife or mother because they were both deaf... which would actually make him the original inventor of the 'booty call' as well.

   E-Harmony: Dislikes: "Women who shoot their gun sideways!!"

   k mmmmmmmmmmmmm,7 3 (OMG, MY CAT WROTE THAT, HE'S A GENIUS.)

   would someone please wake Green Day.

   I plan on buying some men's Rompers. Right after I get a vag installed in the space where my dik and b@lls once occupied.