Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?.....The cold shoulder.

   thinks the iPad is about as anti-climactic as Obama's first year in office

   I had a serious talk with my crew supervisor today, because nobody showed up for work. I told him we needed to let ONE go not JUAN...

   has hot water again...and a new found appreciation for her non plumber husband, who installed the HW heater perfectly...and looked kinda sexy with all that plumbers crack hangin out....hmmmm....think I'll go pollish his tool....!

   Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.

   I guess people "check in" anywhere huh??? surprised I haven't seen anyone check into their girlfriends vag!na

   Handles on a matress come in really handy, not only to flip your matress. big smile

   Rather than wasting time preparing to go to heaven when you die, how about joining us in celebrating and enjoying life here on earth.

   FACT CHECK: Hillary Said 90% of Clinton Foundation Donations go to Charity. Actual Number? ONLY 5.7% goes towards actually helping people.

   Yes ... Stop burning the US flag..... But ALSO stop waving the Mexican flag in America because that's disgusting af

   selling his soul for a bag of skittles

   OBama: Tears of a clown!

   A cure has been found for homosexuality. Lip balm - you rub it on your arsehole and it keeps the chaps away.

   I believe in the sun even when it's night time, I believe in love even when I am yet to find it, I believe in God even when he is yet to answer my prayers, I believe in heaven even when I have been to hell and back.

   Yea, gun control is awesome...if you're the one controlling the guns.

   When it comes to towel-heads, I am with Donald Trump. These barbarians should not be allowed in a civilized society. They just stabbed people in Germany today.

   ...unreal gold medal hockey game...and a record breaking 14 Olympic golds....Canada is amazing..if we didn't have Nickelback we would be the best country in the world.

   Considering the fact that god is the creator of everything....Does that mean he's chinese then.... ??

   I dont know what you're doing, but I'm watching Fox News waiting for them to find a way to blame Obama for the earthquake...

   Big Girls don't cry...(They eat)