Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No one can ruin your day without your permission.

   Toronto mayor Rob Ford has agreed to star in a p0rno flick. Now there's a guy who will take a crack at anything.

   What this generation of young men need to realize is that the word "Man" is in Manners....

   I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.

   "Drinky poos"- What a girl calls a drink to try and be cute. "Drinky poos"-What a man has the morning after a night of drinking!!

   Jeopardy: The answer is: These are the combined result of a yeast infection and itchy S.T.D. beep beep..."What are crab cakes?"

   You know it's just a matter of time before Corporations pay to put product placement in the NFL games.... Peyton makes an audible "Omaha... Steaks, Heinz 57, Century 21, Pizza Hut Hut."

   Please lord let that toaster be plugged in. *watches wife fishing out bread with a fork

   A Japanese company upset Americans by selling clothes labeled Skinny, Fat and Jumbo. They have since changed them to Large, Extra Large and American.

   I went to the zoo to see if we really are related to monkeys, and one of them threw poo at me. That’s my cousin jim bob alright

   adam's diary day 1: we arrived on earth, weather's nice, a bit quiet, both adjusting well day 2: eve is talking to a snake

   In the 1984 Ratt song Round and Round, the singer belts out the lyrics "What comes around goes around. I'll tell you why." But for the rest of the song, he never DOES tell us why. So... I'm looking for some punitive damages out of this 31 year old false p

   Liking your own Facebook status is kind of like high fiving yourself after a fap. Please stop it!

   I never hit on women with profile pics that are tilted. If she's too lazy to rotate her pics once what makes you think she'll ever want to be on top?

   I hate it when women wear pink camouflage. I'm like, where you hiding? Candyland?

   It's a Great Day for Male Lesbians! Let's go eat some tacos and celebrate!!

   Women are always right...even the left handed ones.

   HI, MY NAME IS JOHN ITS BEEN OVER 3 MONTHS SINCE MY LAST LOWER CASE LETTER... I JUST WANT TO SAY THANKS, ITS A DAY TO DAY BATTLE, BUT I COULDNT DO IT WITHOUT YOU GUYS.

   Reads all the pro/anti Obamacare posts. Makes jerk-off motion. Sprains wrist. Files insurance claim.

   Lets just put nicotine in coffee and be done with it.