Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to the zoo to see if we really are related to monkeys, and one of them threw poo at me. That’s my cousin jim bob alright

   adam's diary day 1: we arrived on earth, weather's nice, a bit quiet, both adjusting well day 2: eve is talking to a snake

   In the 1984 Ratt song Round and Round, the singer belts out the lyrics "What comes around goes around. I'll tell you why." But for the rest of the song, he never DOES tell us why. So... I'm looking for some punitive damages out of this 31 year old false p

   Liking your own Facebook status is kind of like high fiving yourself after a fap. Please stop it!

   I never hit on women with profile pics that are tilted. If she's too lazy to rotate her pics once what makes you think she'll ever want to be on top?

   I hate it when women wear pink camouflage. I'm like, where you hiding? Candyland?

   It's a Great Day for Male Lesbians! Let's go eat some tacos and celebrate!!

   Women are always right...even the left handed ones.

   HI, MY NAME IS JOHN ITS BEEN OVER 3 MONTHS SINCE MY LAST LOWER CASE LETTER... I JUST WANT TO SAY THANKS, ITS A DAY TO DAY BATTLE, BUT I COULDNT DO IT WITHOUT YOU GUYS.

   Reads all the pro/anti Obamacare posts. Makes jerk-off motion. Sprains wrist. Files insurance claim.

   Lets just put nicotine in coffee and be done with it.

   The bad thing about aging is that sooner or later, "bust a move" turns into "bust a hip."

   Funny how you can wake up feeling like you're on a tropical island, only to figure out later that it's the island of misfit toys.

   The closer I get to the toielt, the worse I have to go. It never fails

   My girlfriend told me that I need to be more ambitious and innovative.Now I have two girlfriends.

   So Valentines day is approaching...I got a new smokin hot outfit and I managed to secure the best table Monday night at Waffle House on Oneal....that's right...I'm gonna get some FO SHO!!

   I wish I had chocolate socks! It would make my foot-in-the-mouth problem less traumatic!

   i'm a much more lively person when I'm sh*tfaced

   Has decided to file a lawsuit against Trojan for royalties, my dad keeps telling me I'm the reason they invented condoms.

   I'm a cool mom, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: Oh My God and WTF: Why The Face