Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   other than the two ton woodpecker trying to escape from my head I'm fine.

   wishes she could walk away, but her feet are stuck in the cement of your existence

   tends to seek forgiveness later rather than ask for permission now.

   some people are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker!

   The lies pornos tell...smh...Not every woman would f*ck some random guy at the door with a "special" package!!...and why doesnt he have shirt on??

   I don't wear a watch because I decide what time it is.

   According to scientists drinking one can of four loko is like drinking 4 beers, 2 red bulls, a small taco, a ghost and a park bench.

   not superstitious. maybe just a little stitious

   I felt like an escaped hostage after finally getting off the phone with this long winded guy...do

   another day closer to being worm food......

   somewhere between raising Hell and amazing grace.

   Started watching a documentary about Fort Knox but I found it really hard to get into.

   If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.

   i like kids, but I dont think I could eat a whole one

   It should be illegal to have humility as awesome as mine is.

   just because I have my cell phone number in my information doesn't mean you have full range of using it.. I would feel like a pretty big creep if I just took someones number off their page before asking for it

   Firefights recently rescued 2 men from an industrial clothes dryer. The men were listed in stable condition but missing one sock.

   The price of gold is at an all-time high. If I were a young rap artist, I think I'd ride out the storm in graduate school.

   realized his neighbors are devotion Catholic couple. He usually hears them yellin' "Oh! Jesus" every night.

   not mean. He/She just wasn't born with enough middle fingers to get his/her point across.