Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The fact that I just swerved to avoid hitting a deer with my car tells me that it's finally time to make it illegal for deer to text.

   Remember when scientists said that smoking weed made your sperm lazy? And we wonder why we cant get our kids off the couch or out from in front of the X-box.

   Cashier: Sir, this is the 5th movie ticket you have bought tonight. Customer: Well yeah, the a$$hole at the entrance keeps ripping it.

   why dont you SHUT THE F°©< up and play catch with a bear trap

   Wondering why MTV hasn't done "15 and Slutty" yet... it would air just before "Teen mom".. Seems kinda like a no-brainer.

   Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

   Don't ever blame yourself if people can't accept you for who you are.

   This healthy bran cereal tastes just like bacon because I threw it away and am now eating bacon.

   Never, ever be ashamed of what you are. I'M not ashamed of what you are.

   Virginity can be cured.

   starting the day off with some Lucky Charms.....I'm hardcore about today !

   "You've changed" No actually I think the proper term is, "I've stopped trying to please you."

   I only appear to be happy to irritate the people around me.

   Did you know that Facebook existed in the old testament? Daniel 5 says ".....and God wrote on Belshazzar's wall" :) and modes had them I pad tablets that he broke

   I just know my co-workers will be really surprised when they find the Easter Eggs I left them in their office........ in the far right corner........ behind the file cabinet marked records from 1989.

   No human society exists without booze or religion. That's why we drink religiously.

   i try not to act suspicious when passing police even though I'm innocent O.o

   Just because you didn't "Like" it...Doesn't mean you didn't see it!

   "You're so ugly!" "Really?" "Yes!" "Good, I was trying to look like you today..."

   My life is like a Lambourghini. It's going too fast, and it costs too much.