Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today, some guy trying to steal my tires got ran over by another guy trying to steal my car.

   I was having s3x with my wife and stopped and asked, "Did I hurt you?" "No. Why do you think you hurt me?" "Because you moved."

   Pu$$y is the most expensive food in the world. And sometimes you pay and still you don't eat.

   Totally cute guy checking me out at 3 o'clock. Oh wait, that's just my reflection.

   When I read that 9 of 10 forest fires are started by humans, what I really see is that somewhere there is a bear that knows how to use matches!

   As long as you know most men are like children, then you know everything you need to know. ~ Coco Chanel

   If a tree fell in the woods and knocked over my beer, I'd be pretty darned mad whether I heard it or not.

   Unless life also hands you water and sugar, that lemonade is gonna suck.

   I'be gotten to the point where I can't tell the difference between homeless people and hipsters

   Dude you're doing it wrong!!! Its, I'm poor (not rich), but I'm not "selling stuff on Craigslist for $10" poor

   My wife is glued to the TV. It's hilarious, I've also superglued my dog to the window.

   I'm forever grateful that I became a parent n the age of Bluray, portable DVD players, smartphones and iPads.

   I'm sorry I made sex noises while the waiter was reading the specials.

   I'm sure getting kicked in the balls is more painful than pregnancy. How many men do you hear say in 12 months, "I'd like another one!"

   I wouldn't have to manage my anger if people would manage their stupidity

   Does the 5 Second Rule apply to bass drops?

   How come LL Cool J licks his lips and all the women think its sexy, but I do it and I get escorted out of Victoria's Secret AND the mall?

   Lazy Rule #8: Why make your bed when you're just gonna get back in it again...;;)

   "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe." - Albert Einstein

   HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - I was shopping for condoms and she asked if I knew how to use them.