Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when a product states "New and Improved" my eyes see "Less S hitty than before"

   49ers sort of have a deer antler in the headlights look......

   Would someone please stop the earth from spinning? I'd like to get off.

   Looking forward to seeing New York the day after tommorrow. Sandy

   Halloween: The only night of the year a girl can dress up like a complete slut and not have her motives questioned.

   I voted for the guy with the least amount of cartlage in his left knee...

   Baby with a face like yours, I bet you just beat off all the guys!

   In every successful relationship the MANalways has the last word,,,"Yes Dear"

   I've been in this str!p club for days. No windows, no clocks. The only way I know it's daytime right now is because the dancers on this shift are seriously u6ly.

   In retaliation for the genocide of their people the Indians today magnificently beat the Cowboys in a game of football! All is even!

   I'm allergic to stupidity. I break out in sarcasm.

   If we make a baby, I want his or her name to remind us of that magic night - besides, how many other Doggystyle Rumplemintz Daniels can there be?

   Airport security has just made sure that I don't have weapons or prostate cancer

   all the pictures of food you post online do is remind me that it is likely poop right now.

   How not to get friend-zoned? - Be a girl.

   Sip hits the fan: Big Gulp 1, Bloomberg 0

   If gas gets any more expensive I’ll have to file for tankruptcy!

   Cell phones ruined pushing people into pools

   I know "C.G.I." is getting more and more realistic,,,,, but I can almost always tell if a movie has real dinosaurs or not.

   My walks on the beach usually end with me passing out on the beach