Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Based on my current rate of income, I estimate that I will be able to retire and live comfortably in about 180 years.

   The lawyer for Brett Favre should use this defense regarding the pics "He was making a pass at his wife and another woman intercepted it"

   I just bought some Axe Body wash and now my balls are sqeeky clean too!

   Great!!! my parents just told me I was made in China...???

   ■I don't get you Vegans. If cows didn't want to be eaten, they'd move faster.

   My coworker is making love to her lunch, or at least that's what it sounds like.

   If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I'd probably choose vodka.

   "Sh*t-Ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.

   Word of the Day: Eskiho - A girl who wears UGG boots and miniskirts.

   I've trained my dog to understand sarcasm.

   If you take a step back and look at the bigger picture,,,, you'll agree it seems to have been photoshopped

   On Dancing With the Tsars last night, Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible.

   I knew I had about as much of a chance of hitting a lotto last night as getting up and running this morning. That's about the 0%.

   So far in this election cycle,,, If Aliens ARE watching us,, it's safe to say they think we are retarded.

   Dudes should not ''poke'' other Dudes on Facebook!

   If you can read this, thank a teacher. Like right now. Break into their house and wake them up.

   My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said "Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore...."

   I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

   BTW: Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

   Breaking: Redskins considering dropping the Name Washington.