Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got sent home for inappropriate attire. Lady Gaga wore the SAME thing at the VMAs! Some people know nothing about fashion.

   Based on my current rate of income, I estimate that I will be able to retire and live comfortably in about 180 years.

   The lawyer for Brett Favre should use this defense regarding the pics "He was making a pass at his wife and another woman intercepted it"

   ate Oriental flavored Ramen for lunch today, and it tasted nothing like an Asian

   heading out to tease the birds in the park and feed breadcrumbs at his/her self

   Midgets got 99 problems, but an inch ain't one.

   They say children brighten up the household. That's because they never turn out the ilghts.

   There's a new Tiger porn with all the hoes he cheated with called "It's all in the hips." It's better than his first release "Tiger's 18 favorite holes."

   Facebook is becoming the grown-up version of the "Do you like me? Yes. No. Circle one" letter we passed around in grade school.

   Has anyone ever noticed how on the facebook homepage before you log in, it looks as if the whole world is connected but Hawaii is not on there? I guess they dont have facebook

   People always mean 50% of what they say when they are joking. "You are 200% idiot!" Don't get angry, I was joking!

   I just bought some Axe Body wash and now my balls are sqeeky clean too!

   Great!!! my parents just told me I was made in China...???

   ■I don't get you Vegans. If cows didn't want to be eaten, they'd move faster.

   My coworker is making love to her lunch, or at least that's what it sounds like.

   If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I'd probably choose vodka.

   "Sh*t-Ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.

   Word of the Day: Eskiho - A girl who wears UGG boots and miniskirts.

   I've trained my dog to understand sarcasm.

   If you take a step back and look at the bigger picture,,,, you'll agree it seems to have been photoshopped