Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there wasn't even Cowboys back in the Alien times.

   People have got to stop saying "LIFE SUCKS"... because my husband is now saying he wished he had a LIFE!

   If we put pictures of lost kids on beer cans instead of milk cartons, we'd find them in about 15 minutes.

   ‎"Entertainment News" is a strange way to spell gossip.

   I have a great new way of lasting longer in bed with my wife. I keep my eyes open and think about her.

   Rihanna shouldn't be in the new movie Battleship. It should be projected on her forehead.

   I have SEXDAILY......I mean DYSLEXIA

   if you invest in a good industrial grade cheese grater, you can save a ton of money on pedicures.

   Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.

   My dream job would be taking a baseball bat to the knees of anyone parked in a handicapped spot who shouldn't be

   Do people who wear Tapout know that that's the name for what the loser does?

   Friday: YES, ITS THE WEEKEND! *Blink* Monday: WTF just happened?!

   Don't be in a relationship if you're going to act single...

   it rude to throw a breath mint in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   I never understood why people take pictures of themselves flipping the bird. Was the camera mean to you?

   I hate it when one of my favorite songs is out of my vocal range..

   My six year old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside."

   Now I dont wanna have to tell you how to do your job as a woman...But as a man that's my job...

   Sir Dentist, my gums are bleeding because you're trying to saw them in half with a piece of floss, not because I don't take care of them

   In school, the only thing group projects ever taught me was that I hate other people.