Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.

   My dream job would be taking a baseball bat to the knees of anyone parked in a handicapped spot who shouldn't be

   Do people who wear Tapout know that that's the name for what the loser does?

   Friday: YES, ITS THE WEEKEND! *Blink* Monday: WTF just happened?!

   Don't be in a relationship if you're going to act single...

   it rude to throw a breath mint in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   I never understood why people take pictures of themselves flipping the bird. Was the camera mean to you?

   I hate it when one of my favorite songs is out of my vocal range..

   My six year old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside."

   Now I dont wanna have to tell you how to do your job as a woman...But as a man that's my job...

   Sir Dentist, my gums are bleeding because you're trying to saw them in half with a piece of floss, not because I don't take care of them

   In school, the only thing group projects ever taught me was that I hate other people.

   I'm single by choice... the girl I was interested in choose to turn me down.

   You young and ignorant boys can keep your virgins; give me hot old women in high heels with a$$es that forgot to get old.

   How to tell if a girl is right for you? Text her and say: “Hey I lost my cell phone… Can you call it???” If she calls, move on…

   If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes

   what is up with these sweatpants and UGGS, totally NOT sexy

   When a woman is upset she only uses one word answers.

   ate Oriental flavored Ramen for lunch today, and it tasted nothing like an Asian

   heading out to tease the birds in the park and feed breadcrumbs at his/her self