Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just bought another load of laundry at Kohl's..

   Here's to the people who hit bongs, not women. Spark bowls, not arguments. Burn bud, not bridges. Save this world...one puff at a time.

   So America had enough money to go to war with Syria but don't have enough money to survive as a government. Priorities.

   For Halloween I'm going to be a 6. Who wants to be my 9?

   says "Hhellloo iis tthiis tthhe oownnerr off ttthe sshhoop ttthhatt I ggott ttthe vvibbratttor ffromm?? Hhow ddo uu ttturrn ttthe ffucckkinn ttthingg oofff?"

   Happy National Weed Day!!! CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET A BONG???

   runs on Dunkin

   Those Chilean miners are gonna be so surprised when they find out they were really on Big Brother this whole time.

   I wonder that when a bird gets a blow to the head,does it see a circle of flying humans?

   You're saying," All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don't get into relationships. " DO you have life?

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm sorry I "accidentally" put it in your butt.

   An app that tells you how much battery is left in your relationship.

   God may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding..,.God thinks you suck also.

   My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

   Gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

   Lies usually spread faster than the truth because there are always damn more of them.

   If 10 minutes after sex, the man is not hungry and the woman is not passed out, temporarily paralyzed, then somebody didn't do their job right.

   Ever noticed that things are so much funnier when you're not supposed to laugh and you know it's so wrong to?!

   They tried to throw a surprise birthday party for me with fun games but someone let the cat out of the bag. All was not lost however because they left the other cat in the Pinata.

   They say it gets easier with time, but I guess when you let someone really special go, you'll spend the rest of your life just missing them.