Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Pope washes and kisses women feet. I think the Pope has just found a discreet way to enjoy his foot fetish without raising any eyebrows.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape North Korea's long range missiles.

   If Kim Kardashian gains any more weight she’ll become the world’s 8th continent.

   How can ANYONE defend the Theater killer saying "he had every right to do what he did, blah blah blah?!" Are these people out of their minds? I think so!

   So, other than that, Mrs. Lincoln...How did you enjoy the play?

   : Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, cause I'm the baddest SOB in the valley!

   I just invented a mirror that takes pics....i am gonna be rich

   Dude calls into work and says to the boss, 'I'm calling in sick', the boss says, 'how sick are you', dude says, 'I'm in bed with my sister, you be the judge'.

   I'm organizing a bear wash to raise money for my favorite charity "The society for prevention of cruelty to Hobbits". Come to my house and I'll wash any pet bear you have, Grizzly Bear, Polar Bear, Black Bear etc. No Chicago Bears though, far too crazy!

   Police officer: "Didn't you see the arrows?" Guy in car: "I didn't even see the Indians!"

   I started chatting to this plump girl in a bar. "Oh God," she moaned, "You smell amazing. What is it?" "Apple Pies," I said.

   Your breath smells so bad, I don't know whether to give you a tic tac or toilet paper…

   Why do teenagers have unprotected sex but buy indestructable cases for their cell Phones?

   .2 muffins were in a hot oven, 1 said 2 the other, "its getting hot in here" and the other one shouted, "AHH! a talking muffin!"

   Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

   Looks Like Kate Goselin Is As Bad A Dancer As She Was Wife And Is A Mother. Jesus Stay Home Lady We Have Had Enough!

   Agree or disagree with the Trump protesters....he got more people walking in 1 day than Michelle Obama did in 8 years

   just not the same since that house fell on my sister

   Why would a girl wanna be a Barbie? Barbie's are fake and dumb, yes DUMB. I'll take a natural woman any day thank you.

   A slut's prayer: As I lay down with this creep, I pray he sticks it in real deep, If he comes before I do, I'll have to do his best friend too.