Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just invented a mirror that takes pics....i am gonna be rich

   Dude calls into work and says to the boss, 'I'm calling in sick', the boss says, 'how sick are you', dude says, 'I'm in bed with my sister, you be the judge'.

   I'm organizing a bear wash to raise money for my favorite charity "The society for prevention of cruelty to Hobbits". Come to my house and I'll wash any pet bear you have, Grizzly Bear, Polar Bear, Black Bear etc. No Chicago Bears though, far too crazy!

   Police officer: "Didn't you see the arrows?" Guy in car: "I didn't even see the Indians!"

   I started chatting to this plump girl in a bar. "Oh God," she moaned, "You smell amazing. What is it?" "Apple Pies," I said.

   Your breath smells so bad, I don't know whether to give you a tic tac or toilet paper…

   Why do teenagers have unprotected sex but buy indestructable cases for their cell Phones?

   .2 muffins were in a hot oven, 1 said 2 the other, "its getting hot in here" and the other one shouted, "AHH! a talking muffin!"

   Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

   Looks Like Kate Goselin Is As Bad A Dancer As She Was Wife And Is A Mother. Jesus Stay Home Lady We Have Had Enough!

   Agree or disagree with the Trump protesters....he got more people walking in 1 day than Michelle Obama did in 8 years

   just not the same since that house fell on my sister

   A slut's prayer: As I lay down with this creep, I pray he sticks it in real deep, If he comes before I do, I'll have to do his best friend too.

   If evolution is true, apes would still be evolving into humans.

   Joe Biden's teeth are so white , they'll probably vote for Romney .

   "the ""she"" in ""that's what she said""! "

   rihanna- ''oh na na whats my name, oh na na whats my name, oh na na whats my name..." chris brown- Damn. Did I really hit her that hard?

   Why does Facebook even give me the option to 'Like' my own status? Of course I like my status, I'm Hilarious! ...and Sexy.

   The easiest way to not be offended by a joke, is to stop being a cu^t.

   Justin Bieber's first name isn't really Justin... all his previous boyfriends nicknamed him that for some small reason.